


Forgetting You, Remembering Me

by jabbertune



Category: Life Is Strange (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Friends to Lovers, Graphic Description, Internalized Homophobia, Language, Lots of Dark Humor, Major Character Injury, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recreational Drug Use, Romance, Sacrifice Arcadia Bay Ending, Strangers to Friends, Trauma, additional tags will be added as it updates, mega angst, no death tho, pricefield
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-30
Updated: 2016-10-26
Packaged: 2018-05-04 03:56:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 36,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5319509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jabbertune/pseuds/jabbertune
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Are... you my girlfriend or something?" </p>
<p>Chloe bit back a sour laugh, eyes brimming with tears. "Or something."<br/>---<br/>After the events of Polarized, Max and Chloe are in a car accident, leaving Max with trauma induced amnesia. Will the two be able to relearn how to be friends again? Or will something more happen? Please R&R!!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Forget The Horror

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: so, this is a recycle of an old fic of mine that i wrote on ff.net a long time ago. it was originally an akuroku high school AU, but then lost all my notes for it after i wrote chapter 5. but it was such a great idea and i still have the gist of it mapped in my head. and with the conclusion of episode 5 “Polarized”, i wanted to write something in honor of the game. i’m a pretty big pricefield shipper so this was easy to write aha. 
> 
> this is also the first real fan fic i've written since like... 2012?? so i hope this fic doesn't sound awkward or anything.
> 
> anyway, this takes places after episode 5 with the “Save Chloe” option. Kate is also alive and will be worked into the fic. other characters will be revealed dead/alive as the fic goes on. 
> 
> please read and leave a review!! is that something people still say??

_‘“Max… I’ll always be with you.” Chloe said in a strangled voice. She came up beside me, our eyes locked on the raging storm._

_“Forever…” I forced, all the energy and air sucked from my lungs. We stood for a brief moment, absorbing the intensity of the storm ahead of us. I felt Chloe’s hand grab mine, hers surprisingly calm in my shaking one. I couldn’t bring myself to look at her as the tornado reached the shore._

_After a moment of horror, I finally tore my gaze away, reaching over and burying myself into Chloe’s arms. Tears came hot and quick; I hoped Chloe couldn’t hear me crying over the storm. I wondered if she could ever forgive me for what I’ve done._

_After what felt like a lifetime, Chloe finally pushed me away from her. Her hands remained chained to my shoulders. She had that desperate look on her face again, her eyebrows turned up slightly and that worried pout painted there. Her fingers clutched to my sweatshirt. She took a few deep gasping breaths before trying to speak-’_

“Yeah, that’s right, asshole! I’m all she’s got so let me in!” 

My dream - or thoughts - and the black unconscious began to run together, this voice invading my brain. This familiar, rich, harsh voice. I felt like I had heard it a thousand times over in a thousand different lifetimes. I could “feel” myself being hurled towards something - I was on the edge on consciousness. I forced my heavy eyelids open. 

The room was dimly lit but the off-white color of the walls kept it from feeling dark. Beeping came from a machine next to me, slow and steady. I tried moving my arms but they felt weighed down. Finally getting my brain to focus, I registered the soft but uncomfortable bed my body was glued to.

I squeezed my eyes shut, panic crawling into my chest. I racked my brain for some sort of explanation, but the only thing that came to mind was the dream I had before waking up. Anything and everything else was lost to me.

Who am I, where am I, and what the hell happened? 

Another loud yell from the hallway. It was the voice from before, but I couldn’t make out what they were saying. I could see shadows moving across the window on the door. Once it was quiet again, I chanced sitting up. It made my head throb and my vision go black for a second. 

The panic started to set in again. On one hand, a part of me felt like I shouldn’t be panicking, like I subconsciously understood what was going on. On the other hand, I had to fight down the urge to run and find something familiar, anything familiar. That blue haired girl came back to mind, the desperation she had seared into my brain. I wanted to badly to reach out to her.

Just as I thought about getting up to find her somehow, the door flung open with a loud bang on the wall. Startled, my eyes snapped up to the intruder. The phrase “speak of the devil” came to mind, although my mind told me “angel” fit her better. I felt my face burn at that thought.

The blue haired girl from my dream stood before me. It seemed to take a moment for her mind to register that I was actually here, alive and breathing. She sighed, her shoulders slumping as she exhaled. Her eyebrows turned upwards in a sort of pain I couldn’t understand. She took a couple shaky steps towards me, her hands fidgeting. 

“Max, oh my god.” She breathed before closing the gap between her and the bed and me. Her arms were wrapped around me in lightening speed in a hug that told me she never wanted to let me go again. Unsure of how to react, I chose to awkwardly pat her on the back. 

“Max, I thought I really lost you this time. I’m so glad you’re here, god I’m so glad you’re here. I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry.” She rambled, a few strangled sobs escaping her as she held onto me tighter. I finally wrapped my own arms around her, squeezing half as hard. She cried for a moment before suddenly pushing herself away from me. Her cheeks were stained bright red as she brushed the tears away from her face.

“Oh man, that’s totally not cool. I-I’m sorry, Max, I’m just gonna go have a quick cry real quick.” She said with a strangled laugh. She pointed towards the door, pushing herself up from the bed. A sharp sting of panic shot through me.

“Wait!” I screeched, reaching out and roughly grabbing her hand. She halted in her steps, eyes wide and concerned. She slumped back down to the bed, sitting a bit closer to me this time.

“What is it, Max?” 

_Max._

It finally clicked in my head that that was my name. Another sting of panic came, not quite as sharp this time. How am I supposed to explain to her I don’t have a fucking clue what’s going on? It’s obvious that I meant something to her… a great deal of something. I felt tears prickle at my uncertainty. 

“What… what’s going on?” I heard myself mumble. Way to go, Max. That makes a great deal of sense. I tore my eyes away from her, her nervous eyes making me nervous. She let out a shaky laugh.

“Max, what do you mean? Damn, I know you hit your head pretty hard, but not that hard, right?” She questioned with a forced smile. 

“Hit… my head?” I heard myself trail, reaching up to my head and feeling around. All of my hair appeared to be intact. At least I didn’t have to worry about a goofy hair cut. I saw all of the color drain from her face as she took a step back off the bed and away from me. She had a new sort of horror written all over her. 

“Do you know who I am?” She asked, her voice laced with hurt. I sputtered, my brain working at lightning speed to find the right words. Nothing helpful came to mind. How can you comfort someone you don’t know?

“No - I mean yes - well kind of. You’re the only thing I-” 

“Chloe Price! Chloe _fucking_ Price! I’ve been your best friends for ages! All the shit you’ve been through this week, how can you just forget that? How can you forget me?!” Chloe exploded, tears coming hot and quick. Her shouting startled me, causing me to flinch. She noticed that, quickly looking away from me. Chloe buried her face in her hands, sobs seeping through her fingers.

“Chloe… Chloe I’m sorry.” I murmured, all hope of comforting her gone.

“Max… Max….” Chloe mumbled in between sobs. I couldn’t tell if she was crying from grief or anger anymore. A couple of moments went by, figuring it would be best to just let her cry. With a wet sigh, she finally tore her hands away from her face. The tears were still coming. 

I pushed myself closer to her, fighting the urge to wrap an arm around her. Something told me it might not be a good idea right now. I so desperately wanted to take away the pain. Nothing I could do would help. 

“What… what do you remember?” Chloe choked, wiping the tears away from her face. I met her icey eyes, anger and concern gauged in them. I lost my words for a second. 

“I… I remember… standing on a cliff with you… an enormous storm was happening… and I tore this picture in half but I don’t understand why. I remember… I remember thinking you wouldn’t forgive me for whatever I did wrong…” I fought for words, feeling awkward with my description. I saw Chloe’s eyes gain focus and more anger at my last part. Maybe I shouldn’t of said that to her. She tore her gaze away from me, her legs becoming restless and hands fidgeting. 

“You mean… you don’t remember why we were there.” Chloe said. It was phrased like a question but said like a statement. I swallowed hard. 

“No.”

“And you don’t remember what I said to you? After the storm fucking destroyed our town?” Chloe asked. She had a desperate edge to her voice. I saw her eyebrows turn upwards, although she refused to look at me. 

“No… I don’t remember anything other than that. And you.” I mumbled. Chloe sighed, pushing herself up off the bed with a disappointed grunt. She began to pace around the room, a frustrated scowl occupying her. I moved to stand, but my legs felt week and wobbly at the thought. Instead I chose to dangle them over the bed. 

“Goddammit, this _sucks!!_ ” Chloe exclaimed, moving to kick at the door but missing it by a solid three feet. Kicking at the door? I’m honestly not sure what she was doing. This odd but familiar feeling to _fix this fix this fix what’s wrong_ came over me. I didn’t like it. 

“Are… are you mad at me?” I spoke up. Chloe stopped her movements, her eyes glued to me now. Her face had relaxed into disbelief now. She sat back down on the bed, her eyes still on me. Chloe’s eyebrows furrowed a second later. It’s like she couldn’t make up her mind. 

“No! Well… yes! Dammit, I don’t know! I’m more mad at the situation than you.” Chloe said with a slight bite in her voice. I shuffled my feet around, hanging just a couple inches above the ground. So many questions buzzed around my head. I wanted to ask her everything, relearn everything about myself right in this moment. 

“Are… you my girlfriend or something?” I asked without thinking. Geez, Max, what the hell kind of question is that? Out of everything to ask, you decide on that? Chloe bit back a sour laugh, eyes brimming with tears.

“Or something.” 

I waited for a moment for her to continue, but she didn’t. Her statement hung in the air. I wanted to reach out and grab her words, dissect them and figure out what the hell she really meant. There’s something she’s not telling me. Fear kept me from pushing it. 

“How did I get here?” I forced out. I heard Chloe inhale stiffly. 

“At least you remember the storm. After it cleared, we went to leave Arcadia Bay. Not even fifty miles outside of that shithole we get T-boned. It was... “ Chloe trailed. She lost herself in thought, forgetting to reply. I watched her face flip between pain then fear then panic. Finally allowing myself, I reached towards her, grabbing one of her trembling hands in my own. Her eyes snapped up at me, her mouth tight. 

“Chloe… I’m so sorry. I wish I could just go back in time and stop the accident from happening.” I heard myself say. The second those words left me, I wanted to grab them and take them back. That’s not how I felt. Something in the back of my head told me that’s not how I should feel. Judging from the look on Chloe’s face, she agrees with my subconscious. 

“You… don’t remember…” Chloe trailed. It suddenly looked like she had the weight of the whole universe on her shoulders. Man, I really need to watch what I say. It’s hard to do when I can’t remember jack. 

“No…?” I quietly replied, unsure of how to answer her. Chloe let out a bitter laugh, her feet and hands all jittery again. I squeezed hers tighter. 

“Damn, do I have a story for you then.”


	2. With You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: so i didn’t realize when i posted the first chapter that none of the italics crossed over. i looked up how to fix that, so i’ll add that from now on! thank you everyone that’s taken the time to read this so far. i’m still very unfamiliar to how ao3 really works, since i spent like ten years posting strictly on ff.net. i went and fixed the first chapter, and man is that really annoying to do. 
> 
> anyway, please enjoy the second installment!!

“You don’t believe me, do you?” 

I couldn’t bring myself to look at her. I wish I could say I’ve heard more ridiculous stories, but considering I can’t remember anything this takes the cake. 

“I… I don’t know…” I mumbled. It was the truth. I don’t know if I should believe her or not. Every fiber of my being screamed yes yes she’s telling the truth but it was still hard to wrap my head around. My damaged, lack-of-memories head. 

“Max, you may have not been the goddamn time master but you weren’t far from it. You saved my life countless times and many other people’s lives. You can go back in time.” Chloe hotly said. Now I really didn’t believe her. I’m far from being capable to save people’s lives. Just the thought of a responsibility like that made my heart race. 

“Time travel…” I whispered. Looking down at my hands, I felt tears begin to prickle again. The thought terrified me. I felt like I had done something truly terrible - the guilt that filled me in my dream came back to me. I must have done something really fucking awful. 

“Yeah, Max. I’m not totally sure how it worked either, but you’d just kind of do this and then get super focused.” Chloe said, raising her hand in front of her. Keeping her palm open, she made her face into this real focused expression. It looked kind of lame, honestly. It didn’t look like she was doing anything. 

“Chloe, that just looks weird.” I grumbled. I felt frustrated not being able to fully understand what she was telling me. She rolled her eyes at me.

“Just try it, ok? We’re not even sure if your powers still work or not.”

“We’re not?” I questioned. Chloe sighed, tearing her gaze away from me and nervously scratching the back of her head. I raised an eyebrow at her.

“No… not really. The storm was just over a week ago and you’ve been in a freaking coma the whole time.” Chloe stiffly replied. Under all of that, it felt like she really meant you left me all alone but, once again, fear kept me from pushing it. Instead I sighed, bringing my hand in front of me and opening my palm.

It took a second to focus, but once I did the whole room went in rewind. It was like watching an old VHS tape without all the fuzzy lines. I heard Chloe speaking backwards softly, unknowingly taking back all of her words. My head started to buzz. It was oddly funny to see Chloe’s expressions work backwards. I let my hand fall once the buzzing became too much. 

“-believe me, do you?” Chloe said once again. My focus was darting all over the room. Holy shit, I didn’t really go back in time did I? My heart raced and my breathing became jagged.

“Hello, earth to Max. I know it’s a lot to take in, but it’s the truth.” Chloe said. She hadn’t said that last time, if last time had really been last time. My head spinned as I confused myself.

“I… I think I just did…” I mumbled, the buzzing in my head getting louder. Chloe raised an eyebrow at me, scooting closer to me. 

“Ok, then prove it.” Chloe said. I gave her a confused look. How am I supposed to prove that? 

“How?” I incredulously asked. Chloe shrugged. 

“The first time I made you prove it, I had you tell me things that had happened in the future or whatever alternate timeline you had created.” Chloe shrugged again. Alternate timeline? What the fuck? My heart started to race more, the beeping on the machine next to me increasing. 

“Alternate timelines?” I stammered. Chloe’s face became shocked then concerned. She leaned towards me, putting a hand on my shoulder. She forced a small smile.

“Hey, Max, don’t worry about that right now, ok? Just tell me something you shouldn’t know.” Chloe tried to say in a soothing voice, but it came out just as forced as her smile. I looked away from her, trying to steady my breathing. 

“I… I’ve been in a coma for about a week. You said… you said I’ve saved your life.” I mumbled the last part, feeling my face heat up. Chloe leaned away from me, her eyebrows raised but her eyes focused. 

“Alright, so you definitely went back in time. Or came back. Whatever, I’m not really sure how it works.” Chloe nonchalantly said, pushing herself up from the bed and pacing around the room. A lump had formed in my throat making it hard to concentrate and breathe. The beeping increased just a bit. 

“Chloe… Chloe, did I do something wrong with my time travel powers?” I forced out, a couple hot tears making their way down. Chloe stopped her pacing, her face written with grief again. It felt like she was struggling with what to do. I so desperately wanted to know what had happened. What on earth did I do?

“No, Max. I don’t believe you did anything wrong, but that’s up for you to decide. We’ll work on getting your memories back, if you want.” Chloe unsurly said. She became stiff and uncertain, refusing to bring her gaze back towards me. 

“I just wish I knew what happened…” I trailed, wiping the tears away from my face. I can’t cry every time something doesn’t go my way. Chloe glanced around the room a bit, her eyebrows furrowed and eyes unfocused. It was like she was trying to remember something off the tip of her tongue. Suddenly her head snapped towards me, a wide smile painted there.

“Max, that’s it! I still have your journal! It got a little damaged in the crash, but you can still read most of it!” Chloe exclaimed. My brain perked at the word journal. Something in me told me that _no it’s ruined it’s destroyed you can’t go back_ and my panic increased. Chloe must have noticed the sick expression I had as she took a small step towards me.

“Are you sure… it’s my journal?” I asked in a strangled voice. Chloe scoffed at me.

“Yeah, of course. You carry that damn thing everywhere with you, I’d recognize it in a heartbeat. Plus your name’s on it.” Chloe replied. She was trying so hard to sound upbeat but it all felt forced. I shrugged.

“Alright, I guess it’s worth a shot.” I lamely said. Chloe scuffed her foot across the floor as she turned on her heel.

“Ok, stay put, Joyce has been letting me use her car this week it’s in the parking lot. Luckily, I brought your journal with me today. I’m gonna go grab it.” Chloe rambled as she moved towards and out the door. Stay put? Where am I gonna go? I just woke up from a freaking coma. 

I laid back against the uncomfortable bed, the weight of the world crushing me. Did any of the doctors know I was awake? I thought about pressing the “NURSE” button attached to my bed, but I decided against it. 

Learning what had happened was more important now. 

000

“Hey, sorry it took me so long, Joyce called.” Chloe huffed as she entered the room again

Chloe had been gone for almost two hours. In that span, a couple of nurses came in and discovered I was awake. The doctor still hadn’t come by yet, but I guess that’s how things go in hospitals. The nurses had given me a “light” painkiller to help me with my head. If you call a low dose of morphine light. 

“It’s… ok….” I feebly replied. My voice felt heavy and thick. Chloe gave me an odd look as she strolled across the room to the chair next to my bed. I saw my journal in one of her hands. The tattered and stained edges kept me from keeping my gaze too long. I tore my eyes away from her, a stabbing pain going across my forehead. The morphine didn’t seem to help with the pain, only make me not care about it. 

“You ok there, space cadet?” Chloe’s voice rang, crip amongst my foggy thoughts. I tried to nod my head but it felt awkward to do. I could feel my blue haired friend raise her eyebrows at me. 

“Some nurses… came by while… you were gone… gave me some… morphine for my…. head.” I groaned, the words feeling hard and heavy as I spoke. Chloe scoffed as she turned away from me. 

“Did they even know you were awake before I came in?” Her voice came sharp across my mind fog. I thought for a moment before shaking my head.

“You know… I don’t know, actually…” I drawled. Honestly, I wasn’t sure if the doctors knew I was awake. Chloe was probably the first person I talked to, since she was the first person in the room after I woke up.

“I got a call from your mom, she said the doctors had called her and you had woken up for a brief moment. Not really coherent, but awake. So then I came right over and the doctors wouldn’t let me in since I’m not official family or anything.” Chloe said the last part in a cold tone. 

“Of course… you’re official family…” I mumbled, the sleepy effects of the morphine starting to win. She reached up and grabbed one of my hands, mine limp in her tight grip. I rolled my head to the side to face her. Chloe had a smile smile, her eyebrows turned up slightly. She looked like she wanted to cry but was fighting back her tears. 

“I know, Max, I know. Hey, so it might be a good idea to wait and check this out until you’re out of the hospital, right?” Chloe asked, raising the journal up so I could see it.

My eyes went wide as I examined the front cover. The corners had been bent, probably from keeping it in my backpack I guess. It looked thick and heavy, like it contained all the answers to everything in it. There were a couple of sticker on the front, one of them slowly peeling off. What caught me off guard was the large bloodstain across the middle, some dried smudged fingerprints decorating it. What could have caused all that blood panicked me. Or worse, whose blood it was.

“What… what-” I strangled but was caught by a sob. I didn’t feel like crying, but all this morphine wasn’t helping. I couldn’t think clearly at all. Chloe glanced at the front cover, murmuring a ‘shit’ as she brought it below sight. She let out a nervous laugh as she scratched the back of her head, her whole body becoming fidgety again. 

“S-Sorry, Max. I forgot about all the blood on it. Don’t worry, it’s not mine. Mostly.” She tried with another nervous laugh. It didn’t make me feel better at all. 

“I’m scared, Chloe… what did I do? Goddammit, what did I do?” I mumbled between sobs. I couldn’t even understand myself, so I don’t blame Chloe for her super confused expression. She looked away from me again, gathering her thoughts. 

“Ok, look, a lot of shit happened. A lot more than I probably know about. But listen, it’s a good idea to put this off for a bit. You just woke up from a freaking week long coma. Maybe a little bit of recovery would be good before diving back into this trauma-hole.” Chloe’s voice rang. It felt like she had become my voice of reason.

“Ok….ok….” I mumbled, finally losing to the sleep. I closed my heavy eyelids, a few more tears escaping me. I heard Chloe shuffle around and then her hand was back on mine. I tried to even my breathing and heartbeat when she did. 

“Get some rest, alright? I’ll be right here with you.” Chloe softly said, stroking my hand as she spoke. I nodded my head but couldn’t bring myself to open my eyes again. I thought about the dream I had before, hoping that I could return to it when I finally slept. Chloe’s voice rang in my head as I drifted off

_Max… I’ll always be with you._


	3. Breathe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: i spent a long time writing this chapter because i wanted to get it just right! i hope that what i wrote made sense. anyway, please let me know what you're thinking so far!! do people still say "read and review"??? that might show my age aha

“But, Mom-”

“No, Maxine. We’re coming down there. We can’t let our daughter go through this alone.” My mom cut in. I sighed and rolled my eyes, gripped the phone tight against my face.

It had now been about a week since I had woken up. It took the doctors a day or two to properly contact my parents, mostly because they were afraid I would pass out again. Once I was in the clear, they called my dad first. He was so relieved. Chloe had called them and told them about the accident, so thankfully they weren’t left completely in the dark. I was currently arguing with my mom on the phone, trying desperately to convince her not to come down.

“Mom, I’m eighteen. And, you know… when I get out, I need to work on getting my memories back… and I can’t do that in Seattle.” I quietly said. It was odd how easy it was to say things like that to her. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings, but that fear didn’t keep me from speaking my mind. I sometimes wished I felt the same way with Chloe.

“I know… I know... “ I heard her sigh. I wished I could reach through the phone and hug her. Suddenly I felt like I was being incredibly unreasonable.

“Listen, Mom-”

“No, sweetie, it’s ok. I’ve just been so worried about you, it would be nice to see you alive and in the flesh.” She said in a faint voice. How I felt really bad. Thanks, mom.

“I know, Mom. I’m sorry. It would be really good to see you and Dad again.” I gave a small laugh, trying to lighten the mood just a bit. I couldn’t tell if I was telling the truth or not. It would be good to see them, if I could remember them that is.

“We won’t _completely_ steal you from Chloe, I promise.” Mom said with a snort. I rolled my eyes and scoffed.

“Yeah, yeah. Just call me when you get off the bus tomorrow, Chloe will tell you how to get here.” I said with a defeated sigh. I felt a tremendous relief knowing they didn’t want to whisk me away back to Seattle. At least for now they didn’t.

“Ok, ok. I love you, Maxine.” She said it like it might be the last time she ever did. It pulled at my heart. Even though I don’t remember them, it would be nice to see my parents.  
“I love you, too, Mom.”

000

“Can you at least try to act like you’re excited?” Chloe jokingly scolded me, a mischievous smile glued to her as she twirled her car keys around. I rolled my eyes at her.

Just like I told my mom on the phone, we were on our way to meet her and my dad at the bus station. The hospital just gave me my release papers earlier in the morning. Since I’m technically an adult, I didn’t need my parents to be there with me. That of course didn’t stop Chloe from being there with me. Everything in hospitals seems to take three times longer than needed, seeing it took us _three hours_ just to leave.

Chloe slammed the car door behind me, bouncing around the car to the drivers side. It’s not that I wasn’t excited. Just tired and a dull headache pressing its way behind my eyes. The thought of going and meeting my parents and doing things was enough to tire me out. Chloe was bursting with energy and I couldn’t help but feel a small tinge of annoyance towards it.

“Are you excited to see your parents?” Chloe chimed as she slammed her own car door, turning the key before she was even buckled. Loud music poured from the speakers before Chloe could crank it down. She sheepishly smiled at me.

“I guess so…” I replied with a sly look at her. I turned to look out the window as Chloe peeled out of the parking lot. I didn’t want to look back at the hospital. Doing that made me feel like that would be saying goodbye; something told me this wasn’t that.

“You guess so? I mean, that makes sense, too… I guess.” Chloe replied with an eyeroll. I felt a stab of panic the brief second she took her eyes off the road but I punched it down.

“I mean… I know them, but not really, you know? I’m just afraid I won’t be what they’re expecting.” I heard myself say, but felt no emotion behind the words. I wasn’t really sure if I felt that way or not. I heard Chloe humming to herself as she thought.

“Honestly, you’re not that different. Just a tad bit more clueless.” Chloe shot back, another mischievous smile on her face. I rolled my eyes and pushed her shoulder - not hard enough to send us veering off the road though.

“Thanks.” I flatly replied, looking out the window again. For a while it was just the low sound of the engine, soft quiet music, and my own thoughts to occupy the space between us. I enjoy sitting and just being with Chloe. The quiet moments between us are never awkward or stiff. I never feel like I need to talk to fill the space. After about ten minutes of driving, Chloe reached down into the buddy on her car door, dragging something out of it.

“Hey, so maybe you could start on this on the way to the station.” Chloe said, an awkward edge to her voice. I bet she rehearsed that a thousand times in her head.

She flopped my journal around in her hand before plopping it down on my lap. It landed with a light thud, the back side facing up. I hadn’t noticed at the hospital before, but the backside had a smudge of dried blood along it as well. I stared wide eyed for a second before flipping it to the front side and opening it. I couldn’t let myself linger.

“Thanks, Chloe! I’ve been waiting for this.” I sighed. The first couple of pages had Polaroids taped to the pages, my class schedule, and a couple pages of doodles and scribbles.

“Woah, before you dive into that, it might be a good idea to, you know… figure out a plan?” Chloe tread carefully once I reached the first journal entry. I forced myself to tear my eyes away, giving Chloe my full attention. She did bring up a good point.

“Yeah, you’re right. I’ve thought about it a little bit. We could go to various places I mention in my journal. We can start tomorrow.” I excitedly said. I wanted to relearn everything as quickly and efficiently as I could. I heard Chloe’s hand clench against the leather steering wheel.

“Max, listen. I think it might be good to take this a little slow at first. You went through… absolute hell. You might stress your damaged brain remembering all of this. And… you might not remember all of it.” Chloe said with a sigh, her voice stressed. The thought of her rehearsing this speech in her head saddened me.

I certainly didn’t want to think about the possibility of never getting my memories back. At least not all of them. I so desperately wanted to piece together what had happened to me. If I went through as much trauma as Chloe seems to lead on, then maybe my brain won’t want me to remember some of it. I feared that more than anything.

“I… I know. I don’t want to think about it, but I know it.” I quietly replied, unable to bring my gaze back to my friend. I heard her sigh again.

“We’ll do our best, alright? Together. You’re not alone through this.” Chloe quietly said with a small sigh. The heaviness of her words weighed on me. A part of me was starting to fear her heavy words, afraid that I may not like what I learn about myself. Pushing all negative thoughts aside, I forced myself to look back at Chloe, giving her a reassuring smile. She smiled back at me.

Giving my journal my attention again, glanced over the first entry. The top read July 10, 2013. It was dated months before whatever had happened - a couple nights ago I managed to fish the right dates out of a very sleepy Chloe. Before thinking things over, I had planned to skip right to the good stuff. I really should focus on learning _everything_ about myself, not just the past month or so.

I felt a very strong disconnect from myself as I read the entry. I talked about being accepted into Blackwell which was… interesting. It felt like a completely different version of myself. I lacked a sense of maturity I thought - or rather, hoped - I would have had. I scowled at the page after my third readthrough.

“Don’t like what you see?” Chloe chimed. I stifled down a glare at her.

“No, not really. I sound like a total dork.” I grumbled. The edges of the page felt worn. The top corner of all the pages had been soaked with blood, a crusted brown-red stain painting them all. It made reading the top paragraph a little hard, but it wasn’t hard to guess what I had wrote.

“Well, you are a dork. What’s that dated for? Fucking July?” Chloe questioned as she leaned to the side in her seat, trying to stick her nose into my journal, but mostly my lap. My face flushed bright read, my friend suddenly too close for comfort. My heart raced as I flinched to the side slightly.

Chloe sat herself back upright. As she did, she took a sharp turn, the car skidding as we did. We took the corner wide and fast, tires screeching and filling my ears. Something flashed before my eyes. I saw myself in another time, another place -

_Dizziness threw me off as I tried to sit up. I could feel something dripping down my face. Looking down, I saw my hands and lap soaked in blood. My heart racing, I turned towards Chloe in the drivers seat._

_Chloe was slumped over the steering wheel, groaning stiffly, moving her head and shoulders until she found her hands. When Chloe pushed herself away from the wheel, I was relieved to see minimal blood on her. There was no way to go back in time now. If Chloe had died, I have no idea what I would have done._

_With a deep wet inhale, Chloe gave two sickly coughs, blood and saliva dripped down her chin. She grunted, shifting in her seat to face me. Her mouth parted to speak, another trail of blood falling -_

“Max? Max, are you ok?” Chloe’s sharp voice rang in my ears. I blinked, my eyes snapped around me. My heart was racing out of control, my breathing heavy and labored. I could feel a cold sweat forming. I looked out the car window next to me. When had the car stopped moving?

I forced myself to look in Chloe’s direction. She had unbuckled herself and scooted as close to me as she could. One hand rested on the head of the car seat while the other was still tightly gripped to the steering wheel. Her face screamed worry and I wished it wasn’t directed at me.

“Max, please say something so I know you’re alive.” Chloe said with a small forced laughed. I swallowed hard, forcing my breathing to even out.

“I… I don’t -” I struggled but the lump in my throat ate my words. My mind was racing at top speed but I was unable to hold onto any thought.

“Shit, Max, I’m sorry, I need to be driving more careful. I’m sorry, just breathe with me, ok?” Chloe rambled, starting to take deep breaths of her own. She kept her eyes locked on mine, intense and somehow sure of herself. Chloe never ceased to amaze me.

“Chloe, this isn’t - it wasn’t your fault -” I gasped, tears starting to brim. Whatever was happening to me was making me panic more than that horrendous memory I had. I wanted to scrub my brain of a blood stained Chloe.

“It’s ok, Max, it’s ok. Just breathe with me, ok?” Chloe repeated herself, a slight bit more firm with her words. I gripped the edge of the seat tightly, forcing my tears back and slowing down my breathing a bit. After a moment of slow painful breathing, I got myself to match Chloe.

“Ok, ok.” I breathed, a couple of tears finally escaping me. I squeezed my eyes shut, suddenly overwhelmed with shame. I don’t understand why I’m reacting this way and wanted this to end. I felt Chloe grab one of my hands and squeeze it.

“It’s going to be ok.” Chloe said again, this time a hint of uncertainty in her words. I choked back a sob.

This doesn’t feel like it’ll be ok.


	4. Thoughts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> wow this took me much longer to type than i meant to!! i realized re reading the last chapter i made some holes for myself oh no aha so this chapter is gonna be fixing some of that. i hope that everyone is enjoying so far! let me know what you think! 
> 
> i'm trying hard to have more interactions between chloe and max since this fic isn't just about max getting her memories back. it's also about the relationship between the two. i hope that i'm pulling this off ok D:

“We’re just so glad to see you, Maxine.” My mom sighed, smiling at me and Chloe from across the table. 

“Me, too, mom. It could have been worse though.” I quietly replied. I shot Chloe and sideways look as she shrugged. I glanced away from Chloe, nerves wracking me for some unknown reason. I heard her make a small ‘tch’ sound as she began to fidget.

After having a very brief but painstaking panic attack in the car, Chloe had somehow managed to get me in an ok-ish state of mind to see my parents. The memory of a blood stained Chloe painted the inside of my eyelids whenever I closed them or let my mind wander for too long. It kept me on edge. Regrettably but understandably, the anxiety it caused kept me from enjoying the time with my parents to the max - no pun intended there. 

Chloe had tried her best to calm me down during and after my panic attack - as she labeled it. I was still having a hard time wrapping my mind around the very idea of even having a panic attack. I didn’t like it and worried that as I discovered more about myself, I would be having them more frequently. That thought sent me into another panic attack just as the previous one had ended. Chloe, being my own personal angel, just held my hand and let me cry, soothing me and giving her best response to whatever babbling I had done. I don’t know the proper care for panic attacks, but whatever she did worked. . 

We had met my parents at the bus station a couple of towns over, considering Arcadia Bay’s station didn’t, you know, exist anymore. We went to a small cafe for lunch and coffee, catching up and avoiding the huge elephant in the room. The thoughts of our home town resting in decay gave me a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I couldn’t understand the anxiety and stress over these thoughts and desperately wanted them to stop. Chloe had been jumpy and overly talkative since we met with my parents. She kept looking at me and nudging me from under the table whenever I took too long to respond. She probably just wants to get out of here and make sure I’m ok. 

_Keep telling yourself that, you sick fuck._

My eyes snapped up from the table, my ears ringing. I had for sure heard that in my head, not someone say that to me. At the same time it hadn’t felt like my own voice or even my own thought. It had sounded darker and a lot more pissed off than I think I ever could be. Was it my anxiety getting the best of me? I shuddered. 

“You ok, kiddo?” My dad chirped at my side. My eyes landed on him. He had a mean scraggle beard going on, like he hadn’t shaved in weeks. It was lined with silver hair to match his side burns. He held a soft smile on his face but his eyes were screaming with worry, the wrinkles around them amplifying it. I tried my best to smile back but it felt more like a grimace. 

“Yeah, just got a cold chill.” I lied. It felt so wrong to lie to my own dad. He took a swig from his coffee cup. I felt Chloe nudge the side of my leg again, a little harsher this time. Something told me she’s good at telling when I’m lying. I don’t want her to ask me about this, considering I’m not even sure how to explain what just freaked me out. 

“Speaking of chill, I need a cigarette. Do you guys mind?” Chloe said as she pointed towards the front door of the place. My dad and I shrugged in unison as my mom rolled her eyes and pushed herself up from the table. 

“If you let me join ya.” My mom said in a teasing way. She looked back at me for a second, almost like she was expecting some sort of response from me, not Chloe. I smiled at her as I took another bite of my food. 

“Have fun.” I chimed between chewing, trying my best again to give a decent smile. It was hard to do when you had zero energy. As Chloe and my mom made their way out, my dad shuffled in his seat a bit. He coughed as he pulled his phone out of his pocket, staring at it for a few minutes. I watched Chloe through the window as they crossed the parking lot a little ways, a cigarette each. Chloe had a stern look of worry on her as my mom talked, nodding every now and then. 

“So… you’re mom and I wanted to talk to you about this together… but they’ll probably be awhile.” My dad’s words snapped me back to reality, one where I can’t just longingly look at Chloe through the window. I blushed as I turned my attention back to earth. 

“Are they ok?” I asked before I couldn’t. My dad shrugged.

“Yeah, probably… your mom is just doing her thing. Making sure Chloe is ok, too.” My dad said. He was using a forced nonchalant about it. 

“Well, what do you want to talk about?” I asked, redirecting the conversation. Whatever Chloe wants to talk about with my mom is private, unless she _wants_ to tell me about it. 

“Joyce called us this morning, after you got your release papers. Now, Max… you’ve been through a lot of trauma this week from what we understand…” My dad sadly said, staring down at his coffee cup instead of at me. My heart raced. 

“It wasn’t - I mean, I’m ok, really.” I tried. My dad scoffed at me. 

“Bullshit, Maxine. You’re friend tried to kill themselves, this incredibly scary storm and - ….and that sick pervert hurting all those kids...” My dad tried. He was mad empathetic with the people in this town. His words rung in my ears, taking a moment to realize he’d just given me the biggest clues to figuring out this week.

“Dad, I-” I struggled but swallowed my words. I didn’t feel any confidence in telling him things were ok when I was, in fact, not sure if they really were. I mean, yeah, sitting right here things are ok now. But whatever happened to me will catch up. I heard him sigh as he brought his eyes back to me.

“Well the point is… your mom and I are in Seattle, but you’re down here. And we don’t want to take you away from here if you really think it’ll be best for your recovery. You’re sure of this, right Maxine?” He said with a tiny sigh. I swallowed hard, acting like I was carefully thinking things over even though I wasn’t. 

“Yeah, I’m sure. I just don’t feel like it’ll be possible to get most of my memories back all the way in Seattle.” I slowly said. I didn’t want to hurt him, or make him think I didn’t want to go back with them. Which, yeah, I didn’t want to, not yet anyway. My dad let out a relieved sigh.

“Alright, cool. As I said, Joyce called us this morning. They’re staying in David’s parents house for the time being and said you’re more than welcome to stay with them as long as you needed.” He said, trying to act casual and take another gulp of his coffee. It has to be cold by now. 

“They’re house isn’t, you know, totally destroyed, is it?” I stumbled over my words. My dad shook his head.

“No, no, not totally. Thankfully the Price house was far away enough from the storm to not be decimated. A tree did fall on the house, though, so they’ll need to fix the roof and one of the spare bedrooms. And replace windows and a couple of doors. It’ll just take a lot more money than Joyce hoped it would.” My dad rambled, taking another nervous sip from his cup. I nodded along with him but chose not to say anything. 

My attention turned back to the window, eyeing my mom and Chloe across the parking lot. Chloe had her eyes glued to a spot behind my mom, refusing to make eye contact. A couple of tears fell down her cheeks, a stern but thankful mood taking over her. She was nodding along to whatever my mom was saying, sighing and wiping at her face after a moment. She shuffled her feet in the gravel, what looked like a nervous laugh escaping her. My mom pulled her into a tight hug before Chloe could run away. She relaxed against my mom, burying her face into the older woman’s shoulder. 

I felt a sharp tinge of regret not being able to comfort Chloe in the same way. 

000  
“It’s not a five-star hotel, but it’ll do.” Chloe joked, shrugging her jacket off and throwing it over the couch. I bit back a laugh. 

After lunch with my parents, we sadly had to part ways for the day. They still had to go and check into their hotel, repeatedly telling me that it’s “only a twenty minute drive from David’s parents”. After handing Chloe and I some backpacks full of clothes and other things I own, we waved goodbye. I promised I would call them in the morning - that is, if I can remember. 

The drive back past the hospital was stiff. Chloe put on some punk rock and was talking a mile a minute. She talked about anything and everything, but mostly how our time together was gonna be another grand sleepover. I hoped she still feels that way once I start diving into things. The house was another twenty minutes back the opposite way of the hospital, so it took us almost an hour to get there. 

Joyce had texted Chloe earlier that they all went to do some grocery shopping, so I wasn’t surprised to see no one there when we pulled up. The house was small and homely. It was the definition of an old person's home. When Chloe made a beeline for the backyard, I cautiously followed her, afraid that she might pummel me with water balloons or something. Instead I was met with a small but beautifully taken care of backyard. An equally small guesthouse was shoved off to the side.

I glanced around as we entered, letting myself think for a moment that I could live here forever. The living room was combined with the dining room, a small kitchen connected to them. On the opposite wall from the front door were two large french doors that led into the single bedroom. Another pair of french doors on another wall led to a private patio.

“Where are David and Joyce staying?” I called out to Chloe as I quickly shoved my bags into the bedroom, trying not to linger too long. I eyed the posters that Chloe had tacked up everywhere, her laptop set up on the desk along with other Chloe-like things. 

“They have a guest bedroom in the house, too, so they thought it’d be nice if the two of us stayed in here. Pretty sick, right?” Chloe had a bounce in her voice as she came up beside me. Whatever sadness that had been with her back at the diner was gone now. Or she was just really good at pretending, but that didn’t seem like the case. 

“This is awesome, Chloe.” I beamed as I turned to look at my best friend. We met each other's gaze with equally wide smiles. It felt so good to be this happy with her. 

“C’mon, let’s go outside.” Chloe’s voice rang in my ear as she left the room. I quickly followed, grabbing her jacket off the couch and slipping it on myself. Chloe might have a bizarre resistance to the cold but I sure as hell don’t. 

As we stepped out onto the patio, I noticed two lawn chairs and a small table set to the side. There was an ashtray in the middle, heavily used. I tried not to imagine Chloe sitting out here alone after getting back from the hospital, power smoking half a pack of cigarettes and choking back tears. The thought of her having to go through her pain alone terrified me. 

I took a shaky seat next to Chloe. She pulled out a little box from under the planter next to her chair, hidden from the rest of the world. I eyed her as she opened it. She pulled out a snack baggy full of weed and some papers. I scoffed.

“Chloe.” I stated, a bit more firm than I had meant. She glanced at me but didn’t stop her movements. She undid the bag, grabbing a small fingerfull and placing it on the paper. 

“What? I’ve been smoking since I was fourteen, you know that. Er - or, did. Did know that.” Chloe awkwardly corrected herself. Her feet and legs started to bounce up and down, her nerves apparent. I rolled my eyes but couldn’t help letting a smile out. 

“Yeah, but didn’t you say David was a security guard? Won’t he be pissed?” 

“He’ll be pissed alright but he doesn’t do anything now. It’s not something you have to worry about anymore.” Chloe flatly said, zipping the little bag close and beginning to roll her joint. I shifted a bit, uncomfortable with the hidden fact that I indeed had worried about it at one point. 

“What about your grandparents?” I questioned. It’s not that I’m _trying_ to stop her from doing it. I just don’t want to piss everyone off before they even meet me is all. Chloe let out a laugh, a sharp “Ha!” bellowing from her. 

“The first night I was here, I tried really hard not to. But it was so fucking hard, Max. I would be in a twenty-four-hour panic attack if I didn’t. Anyway, David’s dad comes out of nowhere and I freaked. I thought for sure he’d kill me. Instead, he asked if he could join.” Chloe laughed as she recounted her memory. I stared at her in disbelief as she lit the end of her joint and took a long drag off of it. 

“That’s… really cool, actually.” I murmured. She beamed at me again as she offered me the joint. She laughed as my eyes went wide and my face red. 

“C’mon, Max! Take a hit. You’ve smoked with me before.” Chloe unseriously guilted. I knew that if I said no she wouldn’t have a problem with it. 

“I dunno, Chloe….” I mumbled, even though I had already made up my mind. I pretended to think about it more as she took another hit from it. She sighed as she exhaled the smoke, her eyebrows turning upwards and a frown replacing her. 

“I dunno… I just thought it might be fun to smoke a couple joints and just relax. Watch a movie, make some food or something, and just not care about what’s going on for a little while.” Chloe quietly said, a tinge of pink painting her face. To be honest, that did sound really nice. I just wanted to curl up with my best friend and watch a dreamy movie and not think about anything outside of our own little world. I tried to give her a sympathetic smile. 

“I’m sorry, I was just teasing you. I’ll smoke with you.” I said in a light voice, snatching the joint from her. I brought it to my lips and took a deep drag, feeling it burn the back of my throat. It was gonna hurt to exhale but I couldn’t bring myself to care. 

“Woah, Mad Max, might wanna take it slow. Save some for me, too.” Chloe laughed as she snatched it back. She laughed even harder as I let out a couple of coughs on exhale. My eyes were watering and the coughing was somehow making it worse. 

We passed the joint back and forth for a little bit, not saying anything. The almost nighttime noises of the forest surrounding the house slowly emerged. I felt like I was in a dream again, slowly but surely getting high with my best friend in a Disney-like little cottage thing. I wanted this moment to last forever, where Chloe and I were openly staring at each other without it feeling awkward. As the joint burned down to almost nothing, Chloe smashed it against the ashtray, already preparing to roll another one. 

“I meant it, though. I can’t function after all this shit without smoking in between things.” Chloe mumbled, her voice thick and foggy sounding. I nodded at her, trying to grasp onto a whole sentence to say back. Finally, she was getting real with me and I can’t think straight. What the fuck is wrong with you, Max? 

_There’s a fuck ton wrong with you, dumbass. Shouldn’t be surprised it took you so long to ask that._

That voice rang inside my head again, making my ears ring and my head hurt. I knew it was my subconscious talking to me, it had to be. My heart was racing a million miles a minute, Chloe’s leather jacket suddenly too much. The thought of how much effort it would take to remove it was enough to stop me from taking it off. Panicking and being this high is not a good combo. 

“Let’s head inside, alright? It’s cold as fuck out here.” Chloe’s voice rang across my mind. The scraping of the lawn chair as she stood up also snapped me back to reality. I watched her stand and stretch, her eyes glossy and red. Her face looked relaxed as she sleepily smiled at me. When she met my sick stare her face faltered. 

“Hey, you ok?” She tried to casually ask but the worry was there. I couldn’t take my eyes off her, much less form a sentence. I couldn’t quite explain what had just happened to me without it just sounding like I was beating myself up. Chloe’s eyebrows furrowed in worry as she chewed on her lip. 

Just seeing how worried she was about me was enough to snap me out of my stupor. Why can't I be there for her in the same way?

“I’m… I’m just glad you’re here, Chloe.” I sighed, finally giving a genuine smile. I felt like a child, my head heavy as my high took back over. Chloe’s face relaxed into a smile as she looked away from me. 

“Well, good, because you’re stuck with me for life, nerd. C’mon, let’s head inside.” Chloe pointed at the door, turning on her heel and heading towards the door. She left it open behind her, assuming I had been on her heels. I hadn’t even stood up yet. My legs felt woozy. Chloe poked her head back outside after a minute, grinning at me like a kid on Christmas. 

“Gonna sit all night in the cold or are you coming?” Chloe laughed. I smiled at her as I pushed myself up. 

“With you, always.”


	5. Five-Twenty Questions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was a bit of a challenge for me to write. and i could have made it much longer! but i decided to cut it off where i did so it wouldn't be 5000 words long. thank you everyone who's taken the time to read and comment this story so far! i hope everyone enjoys this next chapter :))

“I sound like a total _asshole._ ” 

“Well, I mean, you kind of are - were. But I still love ya.” Chloe said without missing a beat. I snorted at her.

After coming inside, Chloe made some dinner for us. A wonderful, gourmet meal of box mac and cheese. Even though she made it the same way I’m sure everyone else on the planet does, it tasted way better than I could have made. She had put on _Goosebumps_ while we ate, half paying attention to the TV and half to me. I had decided to delve back into my journal after eating. 

I read a couple of entries, more than I had promised Chloe I would. She was worried about my mental state of being, whether she’d outright say it or not. I know she doesn’t want me to put anymore stress on my damaged head, but I had been dying to learn a little more after what my dad said at lunch. Something told me there was a lot that he, or my mom, didn’t know. 

I had read from August 18 to September 4 and hated just about everything I read. I just couldn’t believe how much of an _asshole_ I was. In the about three month span from the first entry, I had mentioned Chloe twice. One time just in passing thought. It didn’t appear that I had even tried to make contact with her when I got to Blackwell. What kind of person does that? 

Not only that, but I was incredibly judgmental of my classmates. Especially this Victoria Chase I had mentioned. Her name stuck with me like a pin prick, the hairs on my neck standing up when I read her name. I felt an odd sense of dread over her name that didn’t connect with the words I had written. Even someone I had mentioned being my friend I was judgmental of. This kid named Warren sounded nice and like a decent friend with similar interests as me and I had the audacity to be an ass about him.

This Mr.Jefferson I mentioned a couple of times stuck out like a sore thumb. More so than that - more like a broken thumb someone rubbed acid all over. His name alone made me sick and the obvious crush I had had on him made it even worse. 

Groaning, I flopped my head against the back of the couch, slamming my journal closed. I could feel Chloe give me a sideways look. 

“What’s up, buttercup?” Chloe drawled, turning towards me as she spoke. I tried not to notice how close she was sitting next to me. 

“It’s just… I don’t feel like this is me.” I tried. I can’t explain my disconnect between my own words and thoughts on paper, in my hand, haunting me. Chloe clicked her tongue as she thought. 

“These are your private thoughts, Max. From months ago. Of course this isn’t you anymore. Plus, you know, you have amnesia and everything.” She nonchalantly replied. I groaned again.

“Yeah but-”

“No buts, you butt! Things change and so do people.” Chloe firmly said, unable to look in me in the face as she spoke. I looked at her, slouched down into the couch and her feet resting on the coffee table. Her arms were crossed over her stomach, hands twitchy and playing with the bottom of her shirt. She had removed her hat while making dinner. I admired the gradient of her blue/purple/blonde hair in the glow from the TV. 

“Yeah, you’re right. It’s just…” I trailed. I wanted to bring up what my dad had said at lunch but feared how Chloe would react. I didn’t want to panic her or bring back equally bad memories for her. Chloe turned her gaze to me, her eyes piercing through me. Our highs had worn off long ago, mine leaving me sleepy. Chloe didn’t appear to be tired, but she probably has a lot more practice with smoking. 

“It’s just what?” Chloe probed. I don’t think she had meant for her voice to sound harsh, but it was. I finally tore my eyes away from her, nerves taking over.

“Something… something my dad said at lunch today.... while you and my mom were outside.” I said in between pounding heartbeats. Chloe shifted so she was sitting more upright. 

“What did he say?” Chloe questioned. Her tone made me even more nervous. 

“He said that he was worried about me because...some things had happened to me before the storm. I think he forgot for a moment that I couldn’t remember those things.” I said, mulling over his words in my head. I chanced a look at Chloe. Her eyebrows were furrowed and she had a tight frown. 

“Ok.” She flatly said. I waited for a minute, expecting her to say more, but she didn’t. She just stared at me with this real intense look, like she thought I was going to explode at any given second. I decided to tackle one thing at a time.

“I know… I know that you’re worried about my state of mind or whatever, but I need some answers to help connect things. Can you answer some of them for me?” I shakily asked, my voice trembling. Chloe’s face softened, clearing her throat as she scratched her chin.

“I can try.” She said, moving her gaze away from me. 

“Ok...ok. We’ll play five questions, kind of like twenty questions but shorter.” I said, trying to add a bounce to my voice and lighten the mood. Chloe let out a short laugh. 

“Only if I get to ask three of my own.” Chloe replied, a smile in her voice. She had a little grin stuck to her face, but her eyes gave away some worry. I pretended to consider this for a moment before nodding at her.

“Only three?.” I jokingly complained. Chloe scoffed at me followed by a laugh. 

“Hey, it’s short notice so that’s all I got. You go first.” Chloe said between chuckles. My own laughter got caught in my throat as my blood boiled with nerves. Which heavy question did I want to start with? 

“Who is Warren?” I heard myself ask. That seemed like a pretty chill question to start. Chloe hummed to herself as she thought, a small but sly smile creeping onto her face. 

“Your friend. He’s a bit of a nerd but that’s probably why you two get along.” Chloe shrugged. I took notice of her present tense, which told me he wasn’t destroyed in the storm. I felt a huge relief, even though I can’t remember him. 

“Yeah, I mentioned him in my journal and he sounded a lot like me.” I mumbled, feeling as if I was in arm's reach of a memory. Chloe laughed again. 

“He was totally in love with you, you don’t even know.” Chloe said with another chuckle. I raised my eyebrows at her, but decided to not question it further. It would waste one of my questions if I did. Besides, if he’s still alive, I can find out some answers straight from him.

“No, I guess I don’t know. Your turn.” I flatly said. I hadn’t meant to sound like an ass again, but I did. Chloe’s laughter stopped, her own nerves apparent on her face. She chewed at her lip for a brief moment. 

“I… I didn’t pressure you to smoke with me, did I?” Chloe stammered, her eyes glued to the coffee table. I almost let a laugh slip out but somehow pulled it back. I didn’t want to laugh at her when she was obviously so nervous. 

“No, you didn’t, I swear. I was going to anyway.” I replied, giving her a soft smile and a pat on the arm. Her eyes shot up to me, worry still there but a smile replacing her frown. 

“Oh, thank god. I might have pressured you to do things in the past, but I don’t ever want drugs to be one of them.” Chloe uttered. The weight of her words crushed us both, Chloe more so than me. I put my hand on her arm again, giving it a squeeze. 

“Hey, Chloe, it’s in the past, ok?” I softly said, trying my best to give her another smile. She rolled her eyes at me but the worry had vanished. 

“Says the girl trying to get her memories back. Alright, your turn, nerd. Ask two this time so it goes faster.” 

“Ok, ok. Um… I - uh-...um -” I stammered, my nerves surrounding my next question throwing me off. Chloe raised an eyebrow at me. 

“C’mon, spit it out.” 

“Was… was Victoria the one who tried to kill themselves?” The words didn’t feel right once they left my mouth. It didn’t feel like Victoria’s name should have been there. Chloe let out a short, sour laugh, turning her face away from me.

“No.” She flatly said. Judging by her reaction, she knew who it really was then. 

“Then who?” I whispered, terrified to ask. If it had been Warren, or Chloe herself, I don’t know what I would do. Chloe sighed as she ran a hand through her hair. 

“Kate. Your friend Kate. She was in a bad place and you saved her.” Chloe replied, sadness dripping from her. I swear my heart stopped at Chloe’s words. I saved her? How, and what had happened? Was she ok? A thousand other questioned ran through my head but I forced myself not to voice them. 

“Wow… ok. Sounds like I was a real hero or something.” I uttered. The word “hero” didn’t sit right with me. I knew that word didn’t fit me, even though I wanted to believe it. I could feel Chloe tense next to me.

“You were something alright.” She murmured in a dreamy kind of voice. I couldn’t help myself from staring at her. She looked so fucking tired all of a sudden, like the weight of that dreadful week had finally fallen on her shoulders. Or maybe she’s just been carrying it this whole time, only showing it just now.

“Ok, you’re turn.” I forced myself to say, snapping myself out of my thoughts. 

“Are you mad at me for my shitty driving?” Chloe asked without missing a beat. I blinked at her a couple of times, trying to figure out what the hell she was talking about. Then this morning snapped back into my head. It felt like that had happened forever ago.

“No and don’t beat yourself up, ok? I’m going to have random panic attacks as I start to remember things and you can’t control that.” I stiffly replied. It’s true that her driving was what caused my panic attack, but she had no idea that it would happen so I have no right to hold it against her. Choe shifted in her seat, giving me a sideways look.

“Well I sure as hell hope you don’t have random panic attacks. Your turn” She muttered. I bit back a laugh as I gathered my thoughts together. I had saved the two most nerve wracking ones for last. 

“Are you ok Chloe?” I questioned, a worried tone taking over my voice. She turned her face back to me, her eyes shifting uncomfortably. I hope she won’t ask me to clarify what I meant because I don’t think I can do it without bursting into tears

“I… I don’t know. All I know is I’m so fucking lucky to be here with you right now. And we’ll learn how to be ok together, alright?” Chloe replied. She moved the arm my hand was resting on, shuffling a bit in her seat to turn towards me better. Slowly and with shaking hands, Chloe grabbed my own and squeezed. Even through something as simple as holding hands I could feel how much Chloe cares about me. I squeezed back. 

“We will. You’re not alone in this either.” I quietly said, trying my best to convey how much I meant that. Chloe bit back another laugh that was mixed with a sob.

“Ask your last one.” Chloe stated, rubbing her thumb over the top of my hand. I blushed at how familiar she seemed to be with holding my hand. My heart pounded in my throat as I tried to form a proper sentence. Chloe just held my hand tighter, patiently waiting. I took a deep breath. It’s now or never.

“My dad-... My dad had mentioned that there had been a sick pervert… hurting people. I-I don’t know if it has anything to do with anything, but in my journal I mention this teacher, Mark Jefferson?” I cut myself off when my hand became trapped in Chloe’s vice grip. I could hear her heavily breathing through her nose, her eyebrows furrowing in some serious anger. Ok, maybe this was the wrong question. I forced myself to continue anyway.

“Everytime I read his name, I feel sick and anxious, like death itself is waiting for me behind every printed letter of his name.” I breathed, tears brimming. I looked up at the ceiling to force them back. Chloe was staring at me now, her breathing still heavy but more even paced.

“Max-”

“I just - … I just need to know. Is Jefferson the sick pervert?” I forced out around the lump in my throat. I forced myself to look back at Chloe. The emotion written all over her cannot be properly described. She looked furious but sad and concerned all at the same time. I squeezed her hand back the best I could in her death grip. Chloe inhaled shakily, her legs becoming jittery as she thought.

“Yeah… your hunch was right.” Chloe forced between gritted teeth. I didn’t feel any different confirming my worries. More worries popped into my brain. If he was hurting people and I feel so anxious just reading his name… does that mean he hurt me? The question burned into my skin, leaving me sweaty and even more anxious. I tried to swallow the lump in my throat.

“Ok...ok, that’s all I need to know for now…” I trailed, trying to get my shit together. Chloe’s grip on me loosened. We sat for a couple of minutes; I assumed Chloe was just letting the info sink into my head. Sighing, I turned my attention back to Chloe, trying my best to give her a soft smile.

“You got one more, alright?” 

“I need you to promise me something.” Chloe said, voice shaking. I tilted my head to the side as I looked at her. 

“Anything.” I breathed. It was true. Something in me told me I could promise Chloe anything and mean it, stick to it. She started to chew on her lip, her hold on my hand tightening again. 

“Will you promise me to never use your time travel powers again?” 

Her words stung me, the reason why unknown to me. My body and brain always seemed to know how to react to her mysterious words, like everything but my conscious self knew how to react to what was unknown to me. The urgency and desperation behind her words told me that I had done something really bad, just like I had feared. The lump in my throat was suffocating me now. I squeezed her hand as tight as I could.

“I promise.” I said with a small sigh. Chloe’s whole body relaxed. I hadn’t even been aware of how tense she really was. She let out a shaky laugh, scratching her head with her other hand. I allowed myself to relax back into the couch as well, a genuine smile taking over me. 

“Ok, good. Otherwise I was gonna have to kick your ass.” Chloe chuckled. The stress seemed to leave her body as she relaxed back into the couch. 

“I’d like to see you try.” I playfully shot back, letting go of Chloe’s hand and pushing myself off the couch. I snagged our empty mac and cheese bowls from the coffee table. I strolled over to the kitchen, trying to ignore Chloe’s laughter behind me.

“I can kick your ass anytime, any day!” She shouted, squirming around on the couch until she was sitting up more. I let the bowls drop into the sink as I turned back towards her, slyly smiling at her. I stepped back into the living room area, letting myself bounce as I did. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted from me, knowing what Chloe had told me. I didn’t let my brain dwell on this new information, wanting to enjoy my time with Chloe more than anything. Laying in bed late at night was a better time to think about these things. 

“Wanna watch a movie?” I asked, my attention turning towards the DVD rack next to the TV. 

“What do you wanna watch?” I asked. The second the words left my mouth, I felt a sting in the side of my head. Wincing, I turned back towards Chloe. Or, where Chloe should have been. It felt like I was watching two different realities at once, my memories overlapping with the waking world. I was suddenly in another place, another time - 

_‘“Uh, I think I’m in, like, a mellow “Blade Runner” mood. I always cry at the end. Plus you know I always wanted to have cool colored bangs like Pris.” Chloe replied. I was suddenly standing over her, my friend resting in a hospital bed rather than the couch she had been sitting on before. My heart was racing a million miles a second._

_We were in a room completely unfamiliar to me. All sorts of hospital gear surrounded Chloe, tubes and wires coming out and off of her. Her body was limp against the hospital bed, only her head moving as she spoke._

“I know. You would look incredible with blue hair.” _I heard myself say in my memory and outloud. Every other blink switched between this bizarre world and the comfy living room with Chloe. She worse the same expression in both realities - soft and full of love. I moved to the side, clapping my hands together as I did._

_“Now let’s get this show on the road. And you better not fall asleep on me, like you always do when we watch movies.” I said, turning back to Chloe as I reached the end of the bed. She had a large tube coming out of her throat, the bandages and the blue suction cup looking thing glaring at me. I couldn’t take my eyes off of it, feeling incredibly rude._

_“I remember, Max. Swear I won’t fall asleep. Not when you’re here. Not yet.” Chloe replied in a soft voice. The ‘not yet’ tacked on at the end sent a chill up my spine. I felt myself smile at her, even though all I wanted to do right now was scream. I turned away from the bed, the present and the past mixing together-’_

“Max, what are you talking about? I have blue hair.” I heard Chloe snort, somewhere far off. As I turned, I fell to the floor, just barely catching myself with my arm. I grunted as I hit the floor. Chloe shot up from the couch but missed me. 

“Ch-Chloe…” I stammered, reaching out towards the coffee table to push myself up. Chloe was at my side before I could reach it.

“Woah, Max, are you ok?” Chloe’s voice pierced across the fog over my brain. I kept my head low, unable to meet Chloe’s gaze. I could feel something trickling down my face. I reached up and touched my nose, bringing my hand back to sight. Blood stained my fingers. 

“Wha-what happened?” I stumbled over my words. Chloe’s hand wrapped around my upper arm, trying to drag me up off the floor. I refused to move. 

“You asked what I wanted to watch, I said I was in the mood for “Blade Runner”. Then you said I’d look good with blue hair then fell to the ground like a limp noodle.” Chloe said, her voice laced with worry. I could feel more and more blood trickling down my face. A couple of drops fell to the floor. I finally managed to lift my heavy head towards Chloe. Her eyes widened when she saw me.

“I-you-you were in a hospital bed… all sorts of tubes and wires coming out of you... I-I don’t think you could move-” A sob escaped me as I clung to Chloe. I couldn’t get my mind to stop racing, making it hard to recount what I had seen. I squeezed my eyes shut, whimpering as I tried to erase what I had seen. I felt one of Chloe’s hand brush my face, wiping away some blood from my lips and nose. 

“I’m sorry you had to remember that.” Chloe’s words stung my ears. It pained me to know that she knew exactly what I was talking about. It pained me even more knowing that I had no clue what the hell that memory meant. A couple more wet sobs escaped me.

“Chloe-...Chloe, I-I don’t want anything bad to ha-happen to you.” I sobbed. I opened my eyes, looking my best friend in the face. She looked so worried and determined. She had trouble for a second meeting my gaze, but when she did her icy eyes tore right through me. I felt her hand grab my arm again as she pulled me towards her, wrapping her strong arms around me in a tight hug. I worried for a second about getting blood all over her, but Chloe didn’t seem to care. She just hugged me tighter as I continued to sob.

“Nothing will as long as I’m with you.” She whispered in my ear. My heart raced as my mind told me the opposite.

_You’ve only brought death and destruction._


	6. Dreams

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow i didn't think i would get this posted on christmas, despite it being super fucking early in the morning. i'm sorry it's another kind of filler chapter, but i cut it short so that i can do much more with the next chapter!! plus my gf said there needs to be more gay, so here's a bit more gay just for her.
> 
> speaking of which, for christmas my lovely girlfriend commissioned the amazing mollifiable on tumblr to draw a scene from chapter three!! i love it so much and am still in complete shock that art for this fic exists!! here's a link to it if anyone wants to check it out!! :)) http://jabbertune.tumblr.com/post/135588356040/jabbertune-jabbertune-my-lovely-girlfriend
> 
> anyway, please leave a review and tell me what you think!! happy holidays, everyone!!

As I told myself I would, I saved my troubled thoughts for later in the night. 

After my brief whatever that had been, Chloe tried her best to calm me down and clean my bloody face up, In between sobs, I had begged her to explain what I had seen. She obviously knew _something_ about it. Whatever small grasps of my previous self I had were unclear to me, the pieces not making any sense. It was causing me more anxiety not knowing what to do with what I knew. 

Chloe had been hesitant. I pissed her off at one point, hotly telling her it wasn’t exactly her choice to decide my pace of recovery. I wasn’t really angry at her, my poor mental state of being making me say things I didn’t mean. But even after I had calmed down I still agreed with what I had said. She shouldn’t be deciding my course of action. Chloe had basically dropped me out of her arms and stormed off outside, smoking at a rate I didn’t think was possible. 

I had joined her outside after letting her cool down for a bit and cleaning some of the blood off my hands. I stared at myself in the bathroom mirror, wondering what the hell I was doing. Why was I trying to ruin what I had with Chloe? She had done nothing but help and support me since I had woken up in the hospital. I doubt she could say the same thing for me. Wracked with guilt, I dragged myself outside, a feeble apology leaving me. Her initial anger had cooled off but her edge remained. 

After a long silence, Chloe finally opened up. She told me all that she knew about the memory and then some. That her dad had died in a car accident several years ago and how horribly that impacted her life. That I had used the last picture he ever took - one of me and Chloe - to go back in time and stop him from dying. In doing that, I had seriously fucked up everything. Chloe told me about how she had ended up in an accident instead. That she had asked me to overdose her with her morphine, ultimately killing her. Chloe confessed that she didn’t know much else about it - I hadn’t confided in her with the details. 

We sat in silence for a long time after that. I eventually joined her in her smoke sesh, her silent consent to my nonverbal ask to join much appreciated. After a handful of hits, I reached the same comfortable high I had earlier although my mood was weighed down by my anxiety and nerves. Unlike being relaxed and uncaring like I had been earlier, I found myself focusing on my anxieties. I would focus on one for what felt like my entire life and then forget what I had been thinking about seconds later. It continued like this for a long time - maybe, who knows how long it actually was - until Chloe pointed out I still had blood all over my face. Nodding, I wordlessly pushed myself up from the table and back inside to the bathroom.

Once again, I stared at myself in the mirror, this time for much longer. I fixated on my nose and mouth, entranced by the way my dried blood looked against my pale skin and pink lips. It contrasted with my face but somehow looked like it belonged there. I thought my nosebleed would upset me more, but something in the back of my head was used to seeing my face drenched in gore. I thought about everything Chloe and I had talked about that night. I thought about how careless my previous self had been, wondering why I went to such great lengths to fuck up time. Not just time, but multiple timelines. My thoughts ran in one giant circle, each subject bleeding with the other. 

Eventually I left the bathroom - I glanced at the clock across the bedroom as I left, seeing I had only been in there for fifteen minutes. With more sure steps than I felt I had, I made it to the living room, plopping myself down on the couch. Snagging my journal, I flipped it back to the entry I had previously read. As I began to re read that entry, Chloe came in from outside, the loud click of the door behind her snapping out of my high stupor. 

And now here I am, trying to keep my shit together.

“What’s up?” Chloe asked. Her voice is lazy and her steps clumsy. She somehow made it over to the couch, slumping down next to me. I took long blinks in between paragraphs on the page.

“I’m going to read as many entries as I can tonight.” I mumbled, afraid to meet Chloe’s eyes. I could just feel her presence tense next to me. 

“Uh, ok, that’s cool but, uh, you still have, you know-” Chloe stammered, her finger suddenly flicking me on the nose. I flinched as she did so, finally being able to tear my gaze away from the open book. I looked up at Chloe, my eyebrows furrowing into mock anger.

“I have what?” I teased, trying not to sound too serious about my anger. I added a smirk just to be safe although it felt awkward to do. 

“You still got blood on your face, dork. Didn’t you come in here forever ago to wash up?” Chloe questioned. I blinked a couple of time, the slow realization that I never actually washed my face hitting me. I could feel my face burning red as my hands shot up to cover my face. Chloe snickered at me. 

“I’ll grab you a washcloth.” She mumbled as she pushed herself off the couch. I heard her make her way to the kitchen, letting the sink run for a long moment. I glued my eyes to my journal in my lap, the words glaring back up at me. Just one thought ran through my mind.

_Stop fucking everything up._

000

_I could feel myself walking but couldn’t see myself moving. Everything around me was dark, pitch black and not wanting to be seen. I could hear my footsteps echoing around me as I moved forward. There was a slight murmuring in my ear. I spun around to see what is was but was met with nothing. The murmuring became louder, spreading out all around me._

_“Who’s there?!” I called out, panic rising. My heartbeat was pounding in my ears. I heard someone make a ‘tch’ sound in my ear. My head whipped around again, trying to catch whoever it was but failing again._

“No one but you and your sad self.” _I heard a dark voice say, distant from me. My heart pounded harder. It sounded like my own voice, only with more menace to it. I continued on, walking faster than before. I had no idea where I was going but so desperately wanted to get there. I could hear murmuring and soft laughter in my ears, behind me on my heels. I forced myself not to break out into a sprint._

_“I’m ok, everything is ok.” I told myself, my breathing ragged. A dull “ha” in my ears stopped me dead in my tracks. Too terrified to move, I squeezed my eyes shut._

“Everything's not ok, and you know that. Besides, you caused all of this.” _The voice bit in my ear. I flinched, a small whimper escaping me. I swallowed the one that followed, trying my best to even my breathing. I won’t allow them to scare me._

_“I didn’t do anything.” I replied between clenched teeth, hating how my voice shook. Another laugh, this time from in front of me. I forced myself to open my eyes, although it was hard to tell if they were really open with how dark it was around me._

“Wow, are you cereal? You’re way dumber than I originally thought.” _They drawled, an edge to their voice. My heart sped up a million times a minute, my entire body feeling shaky and like static. A part of me was screaming to not let these words affect me. That I knew what they were saying wasn’t true, just an intimidation tactic. But the part of me that didn’t recognize these words, the current me, felt such a sharp fear I might as well have been stabbed._

_“Who are you?!” I exclaimed, my fear clouding my judgement for a second. A noise came from beside me, like the shutter of a camera going off. A too-bright spotlight was shining my way, blinding me. My heart clobbering the inside of my chest, I turned my body towards the light, ready to accept death itself._

_When I turned to the light, I was suddenly greeted with a reflection of myself. They stood before me, a dark and dead look occupying their face. They could have easily been mistaken for a mirror image of myself, if that mirror was reflecting a nightmare. Their eyes were dark, thick black spirals dancing around their eyeballs mixed with the color of my eyes. Intense dark circles surrounded their eyes, adding to the odd raccoon look going on. Below the eyes, their nose and mouth were painted with blood. An obvious recreation - was it an imitation? or was it the real deal? - of the nosebleed I had earlier stained their face. The blood was dark and menacing, clotting around the corners of their mouth._

_My breath caught in my throat, blocked by the huge lump that had formed. Terror shot through me. I grasped for an explanation why, but got none. My doppelganger smirked at me in the least friendly way I could imagine._

“I’m you, dumbass.” 

000

I woke with a sharp jolt, my legs flailing. My heart raced as it took me a moment to realize it had just been a dream.

Chloe and I had moved into the bedroom after she cleaned my face up. I brought my journal with me, re reading the entry from September 4 all the way to October 7. The day everything had started. Chloe had fallen asleep before I reached that entry. It’s probably a good thing she had; I feel like she would have tried to stop me. The entries before had just been talking more about classes, my gross and obvious crush on Jefferson shining through, and some rambling about some kid named Nathan Prescott. I felt an odd sort of guilt when I read his name, even though my mind told me that I shouldn’t. 

The October 7 entry had me reading it a few times. I described this odd “dream” that I had while in Jefferson’s class, recounting the storm that had hit Arcadia Bay only days later. I had gone to the bathroom to calm down, only to get sucked into Nathan Prescott shooting someone. I had to read that paragraph a couple of times to make sure my eyes weren’t playing tricks on me. Then I traveled back in time, to the point when I had woken up from my “dream”. I was able to save this girl - even though I hadn’t described her in my journal, my brain was screaming _Chloe, Chloe, gotta save Chloe_ \- and alter time. It didn’t seem like at the time I realized I had done just that. I went on to ramble about the principle and, to my surprise, David. It sounded like my first impression of him was _asshole_. The rest was mute, just going on about watching obscure-sounding TV shows, although something told me they really weren’t. 

I must have fell asleep at some point. Chloe was laying in bed next to me, the late-night glow coming in from the window illuminating her face. I carefully retraced my dream in my head, my earlier thoughts about my journal entry mixing in. Now I had solid proof of my time travel powers. Well, proof in writing. I could argue an unreliable narrator, but I shoved those headache inducing thoughts away. Instead I focused on Chloe’s sleeping face. 

I don’t know how she managed to do it, but Chloe looked tired while sleeping. Her body and face were limp, a small but steady snore coming with each deep inhale. Dark circles surrounded her eyes; I could see wrinkles starting to form out of the exhaustion. It saddened me to think of Chloe only being nineteen and already showing wrinkles, but I pushed those thoughts away once I reminded myself that Chloe wouldn’t care about that. But then again, how did I know that?

I caught myself too many times having passing thoughts about Chloe. Like my brain from before still knows here from the inside out. I wanted to believe all these things I thought about Chloe - all the good things anyway - but I found myself hesitant after reading the October 7 entry. How much did I know about Chloe was real? What if something I thought was true about her had happened in another reality? I felt my eyebrows furrow, completely lost in Chloe’s closed eyelids. 

What _actually_ happened to me? 

It’s kind of broad question to be asking, honestly. Whatever had happened to me happened in several different time lines from what I was understanding. Chloe seemed to be at the center of everything, even in the first entry. I hadn’t even described this girl I saved but something in me screamed that is was Chloe. Was Chloe the cause for everything I had done? Or just what motivated me to do so? 

I groaned and tried to press back the oncoming headache but failing. I allowed myself to relax, focusing all my brain power on Chloe’s sleeping face. I felt my face explode with heat when I registered just how close we were laying next to each other. If I just halfly turned over on my shoulder, I could kiss her if I really wanted to - 

No! What on earth am I thinking? Blushing like crazy, I forced myself to roll away from Chloe, turning my back to her. I curled myself into a ball, willing my heart to stop pounding only to make it worse. Instead I focused on keeping my breathing even. Don’t want to wake Chloe up with my hyperventilating. 

There’s also that little catch. I’m also finding myself wanting to be so familiar with Chloe. We hold each other’s hands like it’s no big deal. Chloe has no problem invading my personal space. My subconscious is always screaming at me that I know Chloe better than I’m letting on and, despite still learning about her, I’m able to keep up with her like we’ve been friends for years. Which, duh, we have, but that’s besides the point. 

_“Are you… my girlfriend or something?”_

_“Or something.”_

The words rang in my head, fixating on the pained way Chloe had replied. Something had happened between us, something that she’s not telling me. Why wouldn’t she tell me? I mean, I haven’t exactly _asked_ her about it. If something had happened before all of this memory loss shit, I’d rather know. Does she fear I suddenly don’t feel the same way?

How do I feel about her? 

I sighed, squeezing my eyes shut and clenching my fists under the covers. Maybe I should write all these questions down, fill in the answers as I learn them. So much happened to me in those few short days - losing my memory is just the icing on the fucking cake. It makes all this emotional turmoil that much harder to sort through. Maybe Chloe can answer some of my questions about the journal entry in the morning. 

The rest will have to wait, just for a bit.


	7. Closing In Closer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry it took me so long to get this chapter posted! life after christmas got pretty crazy and i almost lost my motivation to even write this fic. i couldn't allow myself to do that, since i only made it about this far the first time i wrote "Forgetting You, Remembering Me" and am going to push myself to finish this fic. i had to go back and re watch some let's plays of the game to refresh my memory, but i hope this chapter makes up for the wait! i promise the next chapter won't take so long!
> 
> thank you everyone that's been reading this, has left comments and kudos, and helped motivate me to keep this going! please let me know what you think of this chapter!!

I woke to Chloe screaming when she burned her hand on the waffle iron. My heart attack turned to laughter when I ran out to the kitchen, the blush on her face redder than the burn.

We ate a couple waffles each, Chloe insisting that she take the burnt ones. I didn't fight her on it because, hey why would I. She had some coffee ready as well - lots of cream set to the side for me. I grew suspicious of her catering behavior. When I nudged a question about it her way, she grew awkward as she tried to keep the smile on her face.

“I just thought we might like one more day of nothing before taking a real dive into the past.” Chloe replied with an odd edge to her voice, her shoulders shrugged awkwardly. I raised an eyebrow at her, choosing to nod instead of pushing further. She changed the subject right after, going on and on about all the repairs Joyce still needs to do to the house. 

I have to keep reminding myself that Chloe has her own trauma to wade through as well. It makes me feel horrible that I have to do that, but I do. She’s so good at pretending that nothing is really bothering her, although I can tell that something is. Although I can feel just how close we were before, I can also feel how much she doesn’t want any focus on herself through this. 

Chloe waited until the last drop of coffee was gone before clearing the plates from the table. She set them down in the sink with a _clang_. I stifled a laugh as I noticed she chose to ignore the empty dishwasher to put the dishes in. I got up and moved away from the table, yawning loudly as I flung myself down onto the couch. I saw Chloe dash out of the room out of the corner of my eye. 

“Chloe?” I called out. I felt silly for needing to know where she is all the time. 

“Just a second, I have to grab something from the car.” She loudly said as she came back from the bedroom. Giving her a thumbs up over the couch, I heard the back door open and close. I rolled over onto my side, my back facing the rest of the living room. 

_I could kiss her… if I really wanted to…-_

My thought from last night slapped me in the face. My eyes shot open; I could feel the blood rushing to my face at such an uncomfortable speed. My heart pounded against my ribs, making it hard to breathe. Why my mind was bringing this up right now, I have no idea. I felt like I wasn’t going to be able to look at her the same way for a while… or ever again. I forced myself to even out my breathing, calming my heart down. 

_“Are you… my girlfriend or something?”_

My eyebrows furrowed at that thought. She had acted kind of strange when I asked that. “Or something” isn’t really an answer. It seemed like a yes or no question to me, but apparently it wasn’t. What happened between us? What on earth happened that week? 

“Alright, are you ready for a Class A Chloe Price Day Off?” Chloe's voice rang as the door flung open. I shoved my thoughts about kissing my best friend aside… which is a thought I’m not sure I’d ever have. 

I groaned as I sat up from the couch, my eyes landing on Chloe standing a couple of feet away in the kitchen. She had this wild grin painted across her face, one hand on her hip and the other gripping a bong. I couldn’t help but noticed the curve of her as she stood like a superhero, the blonde/purple/blue ombre of her hair making her look more anti hero. My face flushed as I had to force myself to not check her out again. 

_“Wowsers, look who’s the fucking pervert now.”_

My heart nearly stopped when that thought - and voice - crossed my mind. 

“Chl - Chloe…” I stammered, thrown off by that thought. She increased her grin, if that was possible. 

“C’mon, we’re gonna have a day off where we don’t do a single thing, ok? I know you wanna get right into the nitty gritty, but trust me. It’ll be good to have a nothing day before getting into this.” Chloe replied, her speech all prepared. Her smile faded as she spoke, the uncertainty of her actions becoming apparent. I rolled my eyes in a mock frustration.

“ _Ugh, ok!_ If you insist on giving me free weed all day, I guess I can do that.” I fake complained back, a small laugh escaping me. Chloe’s face lite up like she had just seen a puppy. 

“Well, what are we waiting for?”

000

“Chloe, how can you even breathe in here?”

“Trust me, it takes practice.”

After joking around for a bit, I moved to go outside. Chloe grabbed me by the arm and laughed, leading me into the bathroom instead of to the patio. She closed the bathroom door, shoved a towel at the bottom of it, turned the shower on hot, and hit it. I asked her what the hell this was. She told me that Rachel and someone named Frank taught her this a few years ago.

“Hawaiian Hot Box.” She said as she had turned the shower on, sitting on the edge of the tub as I took the closed toilet seat next to her. 

I coughed a few times as I handed the bong back to her. I felt like my brain was going to explode with fuzz, if that makes any sense at all. I know it doesn’t, but whatever. It was insanely stuffy in here, the smoke from the bong making it a thousand times worse. I didn’t want to complain, getting the feeling that that was the point of this. I already feel higher than I did last night and we only started a couple of minutes ago. Chloe passed it back to me, coughing as she did. Her eyes were completely red and watery but she didn’t seem to mind. 

“Max… I’m just so glad you’re here.” Chloe drawled, a few puffs of smoke escaping her. I brought the bong to my mouth, locking eyes with Chloe as I hit it. I forgot how long I was sucking on it, getting so lost in Chloe’s eyes. Which sounds hella gay. Her eyes were bloodshot to hell, the muscles around her eyes relaxed. It gave her a “classic stoner” look. 

Even though Chloe was staring at me, it felt like she was staring into me. I felt like she could read my thoughts. That’s probably just my high talking - I hope. 

“I’m… I’m glad I’m here, too. With you.” I finally replied as I took the bing away from me. Plumes of smoke escaped me, the overwhelming sensation to cough smacking me in the throat. I swallowed hard, trying to make it go away - instead it just made me cough. Chloe smirked. 

“No, no… I mean, I’m glad you’re _here._ Yanno, like… alive.” Chloe slowly said, her voice,sounding thick and heavy in her mouth. I gave her a weighted stare, handing the bong back to her. Her fingers grazed mine as she did. I tried to ignore the flutter in my stomach. 

Chloe reloaded the bowl, immediately taking a long hit from it. I had a small second of clarity, realizing we were already on our third bowl. Chloe had smoked the majority of it. The thought gave me a tinge of worry as brought the bong back to her mouth and lite the bowl. 

“Chloe, you… you sure can smoke.” I feebly said. Chloe laughed as she blew smoke out of her nose. She looked like a dragon… a big, fiery, cozy dragon that I would love to kiss…

My face burned at my thoughts as I tore my gaze away from Chloe. 

_“It’s just the high talking, dumbass.”_

“Well, hot damn I sure can. I guess that’s what five years does to ya.” She replied, thankfully unable to actually read my thoughts. My brain picked up on the “five years” part. I remember she had told me she had started smoking with Rachel not long after I left, not long after she turned fourteen. I frowned. 

“That’s how long I was gone.” I mumbled, but I know Chloe heard it. Her relaxed smirk melted off her face. Some clarity came to her eyes as she fidgeted in her seat.

“Uh… yeah. Glad you remember that part.” Chloe replied. She tried to sound nonchalant about it but there was a definite edge to her voice. Taking a deep breath to still my heart, I tried to choose my words carefully. 

“Why… did you start? I mean, there’s a lot of medical benefits.” I lamely said. It’s hard to try and get to the center of your friends drug problem, ok? Chloe shifted in her seat, suddenly turning around to shut the shower off. Thank god, I was really starting to suffocate. 

I needed a little mental medicine.” Chloe sighed. I furrowed my eyebrows, thinking.

“Yeah, but I mean, there-”

“Pills? Therapy? A fucking psyche ward? That shit isn’t for me.” Chloe snapped at me, her voice still thick from her high. My heart pounded as I tried to find the best words to fix this.

“I - I didn’t - … I mean, I - I’m sorry, Chloe, that’s not what I-” I stammered, my high quickly leaving me as anxiety took over. It felt like I was swallowing my own tongue. 

“You’re just putting your foot in your mouth now.” Chloe smirked at me although her edge was still there. That’s the phrase I was looking for. 

“I’m sorry, Chloe.” I tried again. I honestly didn’t feel sorry about what I said, though, just for making her angry. She scoffed at me, her eyes dancing around the room before they landed on the bong in her hands again. She took another small hit from it before setting it on the ground between us. I kept my eyes glued to her but she refused to look my way.

It was silent for a long time, the fog in the room slowly clearing as we sat there. I didn’t know what to say or do next. My understanding of recreational drug use is pretty limited, especially since I only remember things from the past couple of days. I can understand the desire to do this on a relaxing day off, but further than that had me baffled. 

“This… this is how I handle my anxiety about, well, everything.” Chloe suddenly said, snapping me out of my thoughts. I raised an eyebrow at her, waiting for her to continue. 

“I haven’t smoked back to back like this in a long time, like I have been since our car accident. But it’s helped me, you know?” Chloe tried again, her voice shaky. I wanted to reach out and grab her hand but decided against it. 

“How so?” I feebly asked. 

“It helps my mind calm down. It helps me to not have a thousand thoughts racing around at a thousand miles a minute. I can actually _think_ about things. But that also makes it a double edged sword.” Chloe sighed, running a hand through her sweaty hair. She sounded really frustrated with herself. I sighed, trying my best to not look away from my friend.

“I’m not judging you, you know.” I said. Chloe barked out a laugh.

“Well, that’s a relief. Kind of.”

“Seriously, Chloe. I’m not looking down on you or anything. I just worry about you, is all.” I mumbled, my voice getting caught in my throat. My clarity and high kept flip flopping, making it hard to keep my words straight. Chloe gave me a sideways look before snorting at me. 

“Why you always gotta be a good friend, Max?” Chloe mumbled. I openly stared at her, mouth agape. I didn’t feel like I was being a good friend; I feel like I’m enabling her drug use. Before I could even think about forming words to say, Chloe turned her gaze back to me, stopping my thoughts in their tracks. 

Even through her high-filled gaze, the redness of her eyes and the slack of her face, I could not only see but feel how much she appreciated me in that moment. I found it hard to catch my breath, keeping my gaze open to her. Chloe’s blue hair stood out in such a stark contrast to the foggy bathroom, the small smile planted there making my heart flutter. I took a shaky breath in, trying my best to not cough or choke on my own spit. 

Chloe Price took my breath away. Quite literally. 

“I swear, though, today is the last mega smoke sesh. We get to serious bidnuss tomorrow.” Chloe said after an awkward moment of us staring at each other, adding an awkward tang to the end of her sentence. She reached down between us, grabbing the bong and taking another long hit off of it. I thought about turning the shower back on but decided against it. 

“Ok, ok. Sounds like a fair-”

“Chloe! Max!” Shouting came from beyond the door. My heart stopped as panic crept up. Chloe stared at me with wide, horrified eyes, smoke creeping from her mouth as she forgot to exhale. 

“Shit, shit, shit, oh my _fucking_ god, shit!” Chloe mumbled under her breath as she leapt into action. She started waving her arms around wildly, trying to rid of the smoke. Reaching over to the wall next to the door, she flipped the fan on, still waving one arm around like a lunatic. Chloe turned to me, reaching behind me and opening the window above the toilet. My face flushed something fierce, seeing how her chest was right in my face. I forced my gaze down to my lap, squeezing my hands into tiny fists. 

“Chloe, are you girls in here?!” A deep voice boomed, this time much closer to the bathroom. Chloe took a step back away from me, breathing as if she had just ran five miles. Her face was still glossed over with her high. I hoped I didn’t look nearly as high as she does. I could nearly see Chloe’s heart beating right out of her chest. Before I could speak, the bathroom door flung open.

“Chloe, goddammit!” Her step dad, David, yelled. Chloe put a hand on her hip, trying her best to look nonchalant. I hope David can’t see through that as well as I can. 

“Hi, David. Uh… what’s up?” Chloe tried, her voice still foggy. David rolled his eyes at her as he crossed his arms. I was too embarrassed to look at him for too long. 

“What’s up? What’s up is you smoking weed in my parent's guest house, that’s what!” David shouted. He didn’t sound angry, just frustrated. 

“Uh… yeah. I, um….” Chloe trailed. I had to stifle a laugh at the sight of her trying to come up with something. David sighed, a small grunt escaping him at the end. This whole situation was horrifying but also hilarious to me and I practically suffocated myself trying not to laugh. 

“Chloe, look. I don’t mind you smoking outside, alright? We already had this conversation. But smoking in here is a whole other thing.” David grumbled. I could tell he was trying to keep his temper. 

“I know, I know. I’m sorry, David, really.” Chloe grumbled as well. She still couldn’t make eye contact with her step dad. David huffed, uncrossing his arms and running a hand through his hair. 

“If I catch you doing this inside again, Max will have to go back to Seattle, got it?” David hotly said. He didn’t add much authority to it, but I could tell that he meant it. My eyes snapped back to Chloe. The panic that was written on her made my heart sink. 

“It won’t happen again, David, I promise.” I stepped in, my voice shaking. Dave raised an eyebrow at me as I spoke. It was like he forgot that I was there for a minute. He nodded at me, awkwardly clearing his throat as he dug into his pants pockets. 

“I didn’t come here to berate you girls, alright? Just make sure you get the smell out of here.” He grumbled. My eyes flickered back to Chloe, catching that smirk she had for a second before stifling it back down.

“What did you come here for then?” Chloe asked, crossing her own arms as she did. I looked back towards David, also catching his eye roll as he pulled a phone out of his pocket. 

“The investigation into Jefferson is over. The police told me I could give Max her phone back.” David replied stiffly replied. I felt my eyebrows furrow in confusion. As he went to hand the phone to me, it slipped from his hands, tumbling to the floor. It landed not far from my feet. Chloe snorted, her smirk returning to her face.

“Shit, Max, sorry.” David mumbled as he bent down to pick it up. As I watched him grab it, my vision bent between the reality of the bathroom and the reality of my memories - 

_David sat at my feet, frantically untying me from a chair. I tried to move my hands but felt cold restraints holding them in place. David’s face was etched with worry, a long cut and a bruise decorated the side of his forehead. I felt my own face contort with with an anxiety I couldn’t even begin to wrap my head around._

_“Oh Lord, Max… are you ok? Are you alright? Can you move?” David questioned, an unfamiliar worry dripping from him._

_“Yes… Thank you, David… thank you…” I felt myself say, unaccustomed to my own voice. It didn’t sound like it belonged to me._

_“Don’t thank me… you brought me here.” David replied, his voice softening as he spoke. He turned to the side away from us, getting up from his kneeling position._

_“Let’s wrap up this son of a bitch first.” -_

“Max? Max, are you ok?” 

I was snapped back into reality, this reality. My face felt wet and hot, taking me a moment to realize I was practically sobbing. My eyes focused in on David kneeling in front of me, my heart racing as I reflected on the memory. I struggled to find words, something that wouldn’t worry David too much. 

“She’s, uh. She’s just super relieved to have her phone back. Right Max?” Chloe chimed in. I felt her hand grip my shoulder, giving me something to keep myself grounded to. He offered me a small smile floating along the same edge of the emotions he had in my memory. I shuddered. He grabbed my wrist, gentle with his actions, and placed my phone in my hand. I stared down at it. It felt heavy in my hand, like it was going to unlock so many answers while also weighing me down. 

“Thank you, David… Thank you.” I heard myself say between a sob. David looked up at Chloe standing next to me, an eyebrow raised. I could imagine the shoulder shrug Chloe gave him. 

“It’s no problem, Max. The police had to keep it for so long since, you know… um.” David grew awkward, pushing himself up off the ground. My eyes followed him, watching him scratch the back of his head as he searched for the right words. 

“It’s ok, David, really.” 

“Just… be careful, ok? The police weren’t even sure if they should give it back to you, but your parents insisted. I pulled some strings so they wouldn’t delete everything off of it.” David rushed his words. My heart picked up the pace. I glanced back down at my phone, imagining all the answers that could lay within its locked screen. 

“Thanks, David.” Chloe chimed in. David nodded at her but didn’t divert his gaze from me. 

“I hope this can help you, Max.” David gruffly said. I could feel the warmth of his words behind his tone. I nodded, a few more tears falls as I did.

“Thank you.” 

000 

“So… Kate is alive, but not that surprising since she was in the hospital a town over.” I nodded at Chloe, my eyes squeezed shut as I layed on the couch. 

After David left the guesthouse, I shoved my phone into Chloe’s hands, begging her to look through it first while I collected myself. Just as I had worried, something horrible really had happened to me. Being bound to a chair in a dark room doesn’t normally bring good things. 

“That’s good.” I forced, a slight squeak to my voice. 

“You wanna know who’s in the same hospital?” Chloe asked. She tried to sound aloof about things, but the unease she had about herself was nearly suffocating me. I sighed as I rolled over, burying my face into the couch. 

“I don’t know, do I? Weren’t we going to wait until tomorrow to dive into this?” I snapped. I heard Chloe sigh. The memory I had earlier had put me on such an edge I felt like I was going to explode. Having a day to do nothing sounded like a really good idea right about now. 

“Well… yeah. But Warren’s alive, and I remember you said you wanted to chat him up.” Chloe spat back. I shot up off the couch, turning to Chloe.

“Warren’s in the hospital?” 

“It appears so. And he’s been texting you, like, fifty times a day. What else is new?” Chloe grumbled, setting the table down on the kitchen table. She was now giving me her full attention, but something in the back of my mind told me that she always did. I chose to ignore her jealous-laced comment. 

_"You wish it was jealousy. Can’t you even be happy your friend is alive?"_

I chose to ignore that, too.

“Maybe that’s where we should start.” 

“What, like visit him?” Chloe snorted. I rolled my eyes at her.

“ _Yes_ , what else would we do? I don’t know how much he knows about everything, but it would be nice to at least check in with him. Yanno, see how he’s doing. He’s our friend after all.” 

“So is Kate. You should see her, too.” Chloe replied, her voice dropping to a nice solemn at the mention of Kate’s name. I nodded. 

“Tomorrow it is, then. It’s a good place to start.” 

“Ok, ok, for now I’m putting a super secret lock on your phone. “ Chloe grinned with a small laugh. I let out a shocked mock-gasp.

“How _dare_ you! Trying to let me have a good, worry-free day! What a friend you are.” I laughed. Chloe let out a loud laugh as well, shoving my phone into her jacket pocket. 

“Later, ok? Let’s look at the rest of this later. For now, we’re gonna _Mad Max_ it up, Mad Max.” Chloe chuckled. I couldn’t help but laugh along with her horrible joke. 

Tomorrow.


	8. Thanks For The Memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys! so i got this all typed up today yay!! time to get things really rolling. sorry again for the bit of a wait, this chapter took a lot to write. i had to go back and re read a lot of the journal entries, re watch some parts of the game through let's plays, and re read of of the story i've written so far to make sure i'm not skipping over any details at all. so here it is!! please let me know what you think in the comments. i included at the end of the chapter how Chloe cuts her hair later on for reference. the picture has blonde hair, but she still has her blue and purple hair.

“Well, we’re shit out of luck.”

I looked up at Chloe as she closed the door behind her, shoving her phone back into her pocket. My fingers curled, crinkling the edges of my journal. 

“What did they say?”

“Warren had surgery the other day, so we can’t see him yet. The nurse didn’t even wanna tell me, but she said we can see him next week.” Chloe huffed as she threw herself onto the bed. I turned my attention back to my journal, trying to ignore my pressing panicked thoughts.

“Surgery? The storm was, like, three and a half weeks ago.” I mumbled. Chloe shrugged as she picked at her jeans. 

“I dunno, they didn’t say what it was for. You could try texting him, but he might be drugged up for a while.” Chloe replied, smoothing out her jeans and pushing herself up off the bed. I furrowed my eyebrows together, wondering if texting him would really be a good idea.

“Did you still wanna go to the hospital? Kate’s still there.” 

“Yeah, the whole ninety-day suicide watch thing. Might as well wait and kill two birds with one stone, yeah?” Chloe chimed. She had started to pace the room, doing some sort of wiggle with her legs every time she turned around. She looked kind of silly and I had to try really hard not to laugh.

“Well, then, what’s the plan today?” I questioned. I don’t know why I leave so much of my recovery in the hands of Chloe, but I do. I’m itching to learn everything that I can, but I don’t want my brain to implode doing so. Besides my journal, Chloe is the only one who knows what happened to me. I have to rely on her to know how much information I can take in at once. 

“I dunno about you, but I’m itching to go out and do something. We could go get some lunch, power through a couple of entries in there.” Chloe shrugged. She had stopped her pacing, turning to face me straight on. I tore my gaze away from my journal, eyeing my friend up and down. She was wearing her usual torn up jeans, boots, and black jacket. A black band t-shirt followed by a blue and green flannel rest under her jacket. Her hat was sitting on the bedside table, he blue and purple ombre hair contrasting. 

She looked like a goddamn model, perfect in every flawed way.

I tried to bite back the blush that crept to my face but lost. I saw Chloe raise an eyebrow at me before turning my gaze away from her. I didn’t like to compare the two of us, but Chloe really did look like an adult. She looked like she knew what she was doing. She had the grunge-babe look down to a T. I couldn’t help the jealousy that always followed when I let my mind go down that road.

“Hello? Earth to Max? Wanna go get lunch?” Chloe’s voice chimed across my thoughts. I let out a small sigh as I closed my journal, what I had read of that entry already lost in my memory. 

“Yeah, yeah, that sounds good to me.”

000

“Nothing beats diner food, am I right?” Chloe beamed as she shoveled some food in her face. I rolled my eyes.

We had gone to a diner not far from David’s parents place. It was quiet, mostly full of older people. We stuck out like a mega sore thumb. I felt out of place as we sat down, especially with Chloe looking like her usual grunge self amongst the older church-going population. We finally ordered our food after the waitress spent a good amount of time avoiding our table. She probably thought we were going to cause trouble. Chloe had gone with a bacon cheeseburger and some french fries. I had gone with a plain hamburger and some onion rings. 

My journal was sprawled out on the table. I didn’t want to hide what was in there from Chloe, considering she had been there for most of it. At the time that I read the October 7 entry, I hadn’t realized that it went on for fucking ever. I had actually only read half of it. So much had happened in just one day. I decided to start slow by reading the rest of the entry and going from there. 

“So all I got from this entry is that I used my powers for really shitty reasons - at first - and that there was a lot of bullshit drama.” I mumbled. That was just scraping the surface. Chloe let out a laugh. 

“Yeah, I guess that covers some of it. Don’t forget Nathan being a mega-douche and beating the crap out of Warren. You did give him a nice scratch on the face, though.” Chloe chuckled. Looking down at my journal, it didn’t seem like a fond moment at the time. It actually seemed pretty scary, but I guess it lacks in comparison to the rest of the week. I sighed as I scooted the journal closer to me, taking another bite of my onion ring and thought.

“Nathan… who is he? I mention him in my journal, but you’ve never mentioned him.” I heard myself say. My gaze flickered over to Chloe. She had become stiff and awkward at my words, putting down a handful of fries she was gonna shove in her face. She looked like she wanted to be sick now. 

“Uh… Nathan. Nathan, Nathan. He was your classmate, grade A asshole. He was caught up in all of this, too…” Chloe trailed, pushing her plate of food away from her. I furrowed my eyebrows at her.   
“How?” I asked, a little more firm than I meant to. It felt like he had more to do with what had happened than Chloe wanted me to know at the moment. Chloe sighed, reaching up and taking off her hat so she could scratch the back of her head. 

“He… Jefferson was using him. To hurt all those girls.” Chloe stiffly replied. I felt my heart sink as it beat against my chest. The food in front of me became unappetizing as well as I pushed it away from me. Chloe’s legs jiggled under the table, making it shake as she did. 

“Where is he now?” I asked, forcing the words out around the lump in my throat. Chloe sighed, her eyes coming back to meet mine. Her eyebrows were turned upwards, her teeth working at chewing on her bottom lip. She looked really stressed out as she tried to pick the right words to say.

“I don’t know. I don’t even think he’s alive, to be honest.” 

“Did the storm get him?” I heard myself say. I felt like a five year old as soon as the words left me. Chloe let out a sour laugh.

“A storm got him, alright. Look, Nathan had a _lot_ of problems. Long before Jefferson came along. He did a lot of drugs and he hurt a lot of people, both of us included. Even if he _was_ still alive, it might not be a good idea to seek him out.” Chloe soundly said. I let that information sink into my head. Based on that first journal entry, it _did_ seem like the kid had a lot of problems. Despite what Chloe says, my want to talk to Nathan stayed with me. 

“Ok… ok. Like you said, we don’t even know if he’s alive or not. I just needed to know who he was.” I mumbled, suddenly embarrassed with myself. Chloe scoffed, a hint of a smile following. 

“Well, what else was in the rest of that reading? I’m dying to know.” Chloe chimed. Her using the word ‘dying’ didn’t sit right with me, but I pushed those ill feelings aside. I brought the journal closer to me, skimming over the pages again. 

“David harassed Kate it seems like. I kind of painted him to be an asshole. He wasn’t that bad, was he?” I looked back up at Chloe in time to see her stifle some laughter. I frowned.

“No, David was - and still is, sometimes - an asshole. He was trying to put together what Jefferson and the Prescotts were doing long before we got involved. Kate is just a nice girl who unfortunately got caught up in everything, too. For a short while.” Chloe replied, some of the cheer coming back to her. It didn’t feel like a cheery topic to me.

“But… he was pretty nice to us yesterday.”

“Puh-lease! If you call that nice. Me and him just have a better understanding of each other now. He thinks I’m an asshole, I think he’s an asshole, but we get along because we both love my mom.” Chloe declared. I raised an eyebrow at her, a grimace escaping me. It felt like she wasn’t telling me the whole truth. Although, I wasn’t either, considering I hadn’t told Chloe about what had happened with my memories in the bathroom yesterday. 

“Well, him and Joyce let you drive Joyce’s car around, which is pretty nice.” I tried again. Chloe rolled her eyes.

“That’s because mine got wrecked. David had bought that car for Joyce before the storm happened, but was gonna give it to her as a surprise for their anniversary. Things changed, obviously.” 

“So it’s yours now?” I said with a smile. Chloe rolled her eyes again. She’s gonna give herself brain damage if she does that too hard. 

“No, but Joyce said I can use it until we ;figure things out’. Whatever the hell that means. Anything else noteworthy in that entry?” Chloe probed, leaning over the table a bit to try and get a better look. I shrugged as I closed the journal.

“Just some bullshit drama that happened in the dorms. Oh, and reuniting with you again.” I said. It felt like a half-truth. I had talked for almost a whole page about how hurt Chloe had been after rescuing me from Nathan. When we had first met again, it seemed like we were complete strangers for a while there. She appeared to be hurt and confused, blaming me for abandoning her all those years. I mentioned how she spoke so highly of Rachel, something that to this day still pains me. I chose to not let Chole in on these thoughts, though, afraid I would open some doors that need to stay closed. 

“Yes! I remember that. I wasn’t too nice that day, was I?” Chole reminisced. I chuckled. 

“No, it didn’t seem like you were. I don’t blame you, though.” I replied, resting my elbow on the table and my chin in my hand. I couldn’t help the wide smile that danced across my face as I locked eyes with my best friend. I allowed myself to openly stare at her, the happiness I felt seeping out of me. She smiled back at me as well, a light blush painting her face. I wanted to enjoy this happy moment while I could, feeling my days may be wrought with anxiety from now on. 

“Well, seems like you got some good information for now. Wanna head back to the barn? I wanna stop by the store before we head back, though.” Chloe beamed. I nodded my head as Chloe called the waitress over. 

I wondered how many of my own doors should stay closed.

000

“You’re sure about this?”

“Yes I am!” Chloe yelled. I could tell she was getting frustrated with me. I couldn’t help but laugh.

“You’re sure you’re sure?” 

“Max Caulfield, we drove all the way to the store, got a cheap as shit razor, and drove all the way back here. I am sure, for the _last_ fucking time.” Chloe hotly said. I saw that smirk on her face in the mirror. 

“Ok, just being sure. I am shaving some of your hair, just wanna be sure.” I mumbled as I flicked the electric razor on. Chloe rolled her eyes.

“It’s just an undercut, ok? Hold on a second.” She grumbled. Before I could register what she was doing, Chloe tore her shirt off, throwing it out the bathroom door. I stared wide eyes at her back, her bare back. Her black bra clashed against her pale skin. I forced myself to not look in the mirror at her chest. I would be a real pervert if I did that. 

“Uh, Chloe-?”

“I don’t wanna get hair all over my shirt. Want me to take off my pants, too?” Chloe said in a mockingly seductive voice and wiggling her butt a little. I smacked her shoulder, the skin-on-skin contact echoing across the bathroom. Chloe let out a whine. I grabbed the back of her head and parted where hair where she said she wanted it shaved and began. 

It took me almost an hour to do, wanting to make sure it was perfect and all. I didn’t want to fuck Chloe’s hair up. I don’t know why she thought I could do it. She must have some mad faith in me. Chloe had tried to keep her eyes closed the whole time, saying that she wanted the end result to be a surprise. I caught her sneaking a peek every so often in the mirror, but didn’t say anything.

When we were done, Chloe checked herself out in the mirror, grabbing a little hand mirror to look at the back. There was a moment of pure nerves as she looked my job over. After a full inspection she turned towards me, her hands on her hips. My heart raced as I kept my eyes on her face and not her chest - that would be a very not ok and awkward thing to do, seeing as she was still shirtless.

“Max Caulfield, have you ever considered going into hair dressing?” Chloe asked with a wide grin. I sighed, my nerves leaving as I offered a smile back and shrugged. 

“I dunno, I seemed pretty into this whole photography thing.” I shot back, sneaking a quick glance at her chest before turning away to clean up. My face burned, my hands shaking as I tried to gather up some of the hair that fell in the sink. 

“Well this turned out pretty damn good. Better than I thought it would, to be honest.” Chloe mumbled, continuing to look at herself in the handheld mirror. I rolled my eyes.

“Thanks.” 

“Hey, what are friends for? Thanks for doing this, it feels like a weight has been lifted off me.” 

“Really?” I raised an eyebrow at her. She finally tore her gaze away from the mirror and looked at me, one hand on her hip. I felt my face burn again, my ears on fire as well. Chloe had to know how attractive she is, there’s no way around it. 

“Hell yeah. Most girls I know, when something traumatic happens in their life, they’ll go and change their hair. It gives them a sense of control.” Chloe replied nonchalantly, brushing some hair off of her shoulders. 

“That sorta of sounds biblical, but it makes sense.”

“I’m gonna shower off all this hair real quick. We’re gonna change your hair up later.” Chloe said with a sly grin. I groaned, grabbing at my hair. I feared whatever Chloe had in mind. 

“I dunno, Chloe…” 

“Don’t worry. I won’t mess up your Bisexual Haircut too much.” Chloe laughed. My whole body must have gone red with embarrassment because her laughter increased. 

_“Chloe!”_

“I’m teasing, I’m teasing. Now, out with you!” Chloe laughed. I gave her one last eye roll before leaving, closing the door behind me. I took the few short steps down the hall and into the bedroom, gently closing the door behind me. I heard the shower running a second later back down the hall followed by Chloe singing very loudly and very out of tune. 

I flopped myself against the bed. I wonder what Chloe has in mind for my hair. Maybe dyeing it would look cool, but I can’t imagine myself with dyed hair. Maybe a small trim, since it had grown a bit over the past couple of weeks. Something gave me the feeling that if Chloe wanted to cut my hair, she’d want to cut more off than an inch. I groaned, rolling over and facing Chloe’s bedside table. I eyed it, the belongings on the side catching my attention.

My phone sat there, glaring at me. Chloe had taken the “super secret” passcode off of it in case I had wanted to look at it. I hadn’t looked at it so far, feeling that my journal may be the best bet I had to solving my memory problems. After today, I realized how little my journal actually had in it. I didn’t write down every interaction I had with people during the week. I didn’t write down every phone call, text message, emails if anyone had sent me those. 

I sat up, snatching my phone off the table. It felt heavy in my hands. It felt like if I were to drown myself, this would be the rock I’d hold to keep me sinking. I took in a deep breath, steadying my heart beat before unlocking the screen. 

I didn’t want to look at the text messages without Chloe, so the first thing I did was look at all my calls and missed calls. I started from the bottom, which went back way before that fateful week. There were a lot of numbers that weren’t in my contacts, lots of calls from my parents, and a few names I didn’t recognize. Chances are they were people I was friends with in Seattle. As I scrolled towards dates in October, I recognized more names. Some calls from Warren, a call or two from Kate, lots more calls from my mom. Even a couple of calls from Victoria, although it didn’t look like I answered any of them. As I got into that week, there were dozens of calls from Chloe. One of the last calls on the list caught my attention, and not in a good way. 

“Nathan.” I murmured. It looked like it had been a missed call the day that the storm happened. Curious, I checked checked my voicemail next, a sick sense of hope clouding my judgement. Sure enough, the most recent voicemail I had was from none other than Nathan. The time on it was only a couple of minutes after his missed call. 

I glanced up at the bedroom door, checking to see if the shower was still running. I heard the shower, but Chloe was no longer singing. Taking a chance, I pressed the play button, deciding against turning on the speakerphone. Just in case. 

_“Max it’s… it’s Nathan. I just wanted to say… I’m sorry.I didn’t want to hurt Kate or Rachel or… didn’t want to hurt anybody. Everybody… used me. Mr. Jefferson… is coming for me now. All this shit will be over soon. Watch out, Max… He wants to hurt you next. Sorry.”_

As I listened to the voicemail, my vision once again became blurred between my current reality and my memories. I saw myself driving a car unfamiliar to me. This raging storm was happening all around me. I don’t know where I was going, but I was alone. Fear struck me as I drove, the voicemail lady informing me the message had been from the day before at nine P.M. Nathan’s voice was etched with pain. He sobbed throughout his message. 

When the message ended, I was snapped back into reality, back into the bedroom Chloe and I were sharing. Hot tears were streaming down my face as I lowered the phone away from me. I so desperately wanted to help this boy, but something in the back of my mind told me he didn’t deserve the forgiveness he was pleading for. Why he was begging forgiveness from me was lost to me. I set the phone back on the table, tears still falling. I heard the bathroom door down the hallway open. 

“Alright girl, what’re our plans for the night?” Chloe’s sing song voice rang as she opened the door, a damp towel wrapped around her shoulders. She froze in place when her eyes met me. She dropped her towel to the floor, striding over to me. A warm hand was placed on my shoulder. 

“Max? Max, what’s wrong?” Chloe asked, her face much too close to mine. I tried to breathe, shakily taking in some air. I don’t know why I’m so upset over this kid I don’t even know. To my knowledge, he as nothing but an asshole to me, Chloe, and Warren. He was involved in whatever happened to Rachel and Kate. One of which tried to commit fucking suicide. Deep inside me, I didn’t feel like he deserved the forgiveness he was asking for.

But the fear that laced his voice, the sheer amount of fear that he must have felt was overwhelming. I felt like I could relate to the fear he felt towards Jefferson. That alone was enough to cause fear in myself. What on earth happened to Nathan? What on earth happened to me? 

_“You got what you deserved, you piece of shit.”_

The voice in my head spat at me, laughed at me. I tried to ignore it, but I couldn’t. I gave into my own sadness, folding in on myself and sobbed. I curled myself into the best ball I could and leaned into Chloe. She drew back for a second, repeating my name again. When she realized I couldn’t respond, she wrapped her arms around me and help me tight. She whispered into my ear, trying to comfort me without knowing what was going on. 

I felt safe and secure in Chloe’s arms, never wanting her to let me go.

\-----

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i also wanted to mention that since max listened to that message from nathan in a timeline that ended up not actually happening in the game, i feel that it's something that she still would have received from him. he still tried to call her at that time, no matter where she was in whatever timeline. so that's my loop hole to have that in there!


	9. Eat Shit And Die

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: i replayed life is strange this week to refresh my brain on what i want max to remember in this fic. Spoilers, she doesn’t get 100% of her memories back. There’s so much to the game, so much outside of chloe and max’s relationship, that it would just be impossible to fit it all back in here. But i realized that i was starting to do what i do with every fic i’ve written in the past - draw it out. I have a chronic problem with this aha. I always draw out my fics so i can enjoy the little universe that i’ve created for just a while longer. But if i do this with this fic, it would probably be 60 chapters long! So, here’s to moving things forward. 
> 
> This is also where things take a dark turn and there’s some subject matter that i’m not quite sure how to tag, so this is a warning for people who might be triggered by the events that happened in the Dark Room, depersonalization, sleep paralysis, and lucid dreams. I just wanted to add a fair warning to that. Anyway, please leave a comment and let me know what you think!

_“Oh, fuck.”_

_My vision tried to focus against the white around me, my brain racing at an alarming speed. Nothing I was thinking made any sense to me, rushed thoughts about fixing everything taking my breath away. I struggled to move, but found myself bound. I glanced down at my hands, realizing I was bound to the same chair that had been in my memory with David._

_“What did you say, Max?” A dark voice said above me. I focused on the figure standing before me. His voice sent chills up my spin, the urgent need to run consuming me. My eyes traced up his body, his white shirt feeling unfitting. When I reached his face, where his eyes should have been was a dark streak, like someone had scribbled his eyes out with a sharpie. My heart rate increased._

_“Jesus. It’s like you’re back in my class. You’re still spacing out. It might be cool if you took one of your patented selfies now…” His menacing voice rang as he leaned closer to me, getting a good look at my panicked face. I struggled against my restraints again, realizing that one of my feet had come undone at some point._

_“The transformation between the old Max and the new Max...Anyway, answer my question, please.” He drawled. His voice was soothing, in a creepy and extremely threatening way. Answer his question? When the fuck had he even asked me one? Two answers came to mind. I chanced a second to mull over which one was best._

_“Which one are you gonna choose, Maxie-roo?” An equally menacing voice said. It came from behind the man. As they spoke, time stopped around me. I couldn’t see past the whiteness of the space around me, but the man’s movements stopped. With a squeak from their shoe, my own personal nightmare stepped out from behind my current one._

_It was my doppleganger again, their eyes dancing between me and the man in front of us. They had this cold smile painted across them, blood decorating their face like the last time I saw them, smeared across their lips in a poor attempt to wipe it away. They wore a black jacket and a necklace that I recognized as Chloe’s, her bullet one. My heart thumped painfully against my chest as I tried to breathe._

_They stepped between me and the man, their hands behind their back. That cold yet playful smile remained. They leaned in close to me, our noses almost touching. I stared into the black spirals of their eyes, trying to ignore the blood all over their face. I already decided on what I wanted to say, but was unsure of who it was directed at now. They scoffed at me, leaning back away from me, hands still behind their back._

_“C’mon, Max. Don’t you have anything to say for yourself?” They taunted me, the smile melting from their face. Instead, they adopted a look of pure anger, pure hatred. It didn’t look good on my face at all, if I could call it my face. They stepped away from me, now standing next to the scribbled out man._

_“Good to see you’re still the coward you always were.” They scowled, now turning their attention to the man next to them. In one quick movement, they pulled their hands out from behind their back, turning the safety off on the gun that materialized in their hands. Bringing it to point-blank range at the man’s head, they glanced at me one last time. A small smirk tugged at their mouth._

_“Eat shit and die.” They said, clear as day, before pulling the trigger. With a loud bang, the bullet lodged itself into his head, skull and brain matter splattering everywhere -_

000

I woke with a sharp stab of adrenaline, gasping for air. My heart was racing so fast, so fucking fast. It felt like if it beat any harder it would pop right out of my chest. Tears began to form from the pain.

Breathe, Max. Just breathe… I frantically thought. In through the nose, out the mouth. It wasn’t until then I realized I had clamped my jaw shut. My jaw was hurting from how hard I was keeping it closed. More tears fell as I desperately tried to unclench it but couldn’t. I went to move my arm, to grab Chloe and shake her awake. Instead, my arm refused to move, my whole body feeling like static as it rejected mobility. 

I was paralyzed and fucking terrified. 

If I thought my heart was beating fast before, it certainly proved me wrong in this moment. My body was aching to move, weighed down by whatever invisible force my brain decided was there. More tears fell as my mind raced at a million miles a second, increasing my panic. Flashes of my dream danced before me, my brain wanting to pull me back in. I struggled, focusing my eyes on Chloe, hoping her sleeping form could keep me grounded. 

Surprisingly, she was turning towards me. She snored softly as her eyes twitched along with her own dreams. I started to breathe fast and heavy, wanting to so badly to reach out and wake her. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs and escape this hell my own body was putting me through. I squeezed my eyes shut, more tears falling. Images of my nightmare self danced across my closed lids, mocking me. 

I started to breathe even harder as I thought about my nightmare again. The voice in my head told me that a part of my dream, some small part of it, had been true. A memory. Thinking about being bound in that blank space terrified me. My nightmare self terrified me. The man that stood before me infuriated me, lighting an anger inside me I didn’t know was possible. The gun terrified me more than I felt like it should have. I let out a strangled whimper, surprised with myself that I didn’t choke on my tears. 

Chloe stirred next to me, squeezing her eyes for a second before forcing them to open. She blinked away the sleep. More tears fell from my own eyes as she slowly registered the poor state I was in: jaw still clenched, a sobbing mess, and on the edge of hyperventilating. Oh, and fucking paralyzed. 

“Max?” She mumbled as she sat up, leaning over me just a bit. I tried so hard to reach out to her, to grab her for some solid ground, but still found myself unable to move. More tears fell as another strangled sob escaped me. 

“Max!” Chloe exclaimed as she grabbed my arm, her other hand brushing the hair out of my face. The second after she touched me, it felt like my whole body unclenched. It was like I had been in a giant, paralyzing charlie horse. Gasping for air, I reached out for Chloe, grabbing her own arm in a shaking death grip. My whole body still felt like static, limp-like and tremoring, but I pushed through the pain. I inhaled as fast as I could, filling my lungs with the air they so desperately needed. I could feel the pillow beneath my head soaked with tears. 

“Ch-Chloe! I-I-Ah!” I struggled, my body choosing now to choke on my tears and saliva. I let out another grossly loud sob. Chloe’s face was etched in a worry I never wanted to see in my life ever again, but something told me she wore that expression quite often around me. She started to wipe the tears off my face, the hand on my arm stroking it in a calming way. 

“Max, Max, it’s ok. Just breathe with me, ok?” She said, her hands leaving me for a second. Next thing I knew, she forced me to sit up, her arms wrapped around me with space to breathe. Our chests were lightly pressed together. I had to force myself to not think about how she wasn’t wearing a bra. I felt like laughing in that fleeting second, the terror of my dream taking over again as quickly as the humor came. She pressed a hand to my back, taking deep even breaths in. 

I forced myself to match her breathing. After a minute of deep breathing, I pushed her away, gripping her shoulders tight. I felt too embarrassed to look her in the eye, so I chose to look at the wall over her shoulder. My heart rate had finally calmed down to a reasonable level, a small spike of horror happening whenever I let my mind linger on my nightmare. Chloe reached for my face again, cupping my cheek. 

I finally chanced to look at her. That horrible worried expression she wore before was gone, instead replaced. I can’t describe her expression other than ‘love’. I felt a stab at my heart, my breath hitching. I took a mental snapshot of that expression, hoping that I could see it more in the future. More tears escaped me.

“Ch-Chloe, I - … I was bound t-to a chair… th-this man -” A sob overtook me for a second. I wanted to recount this nightmare to Chloe while it was still fresh in my brain, but my body wouldn’t let me. I felt Chloe’s thumb stroke my cheek, a soft shushing noise followed by it. 

“It’s ok, Max. It’s ok. You’re gonna be ok.” Chloe murmured. I felt my eyebrows furrow upwards at her words before burying myself into her chest, a couple of loud sobs escaping me. I held onto her tight, weeping into her should. Chloe held onto me, whispering soft nothings into my ear to try and comfort me. 

I thought about her words, wondering if I really was going to be ok.

000

“Damn… Max, that’s - I’m sorry.”

I sniffed, loudly. I curled myself into a tighter ball. I couldn’t look Chloe in the eye. I didn’t want to see that worried expression again.

“It’s not your fault, Chloe.” I mumbled, my voice scratchy from my hysterical crying. A headache was pressing itself against my forehead, my eyes puffy and aching. I heard Chloe sigh next to me as she shifted in her seat for the third time.

“Still… that’s fucking terrifying.” Chloe feebly said. I saw her clench her hands out of the corner of my eye. I turned myself away from her just a bit, shame overtaking me. Remaining silent for a long moment, I thought about my next words carefully. It felt like I had to think my own words over in my head, turning them around in the hopes that I wouldn’t trigger myself into a horrible flashback. That’s not how they worked before, not really, but my mental state being so fragile I couldn’t help but worry. I turned back towards her before speaking.

“Was it… just a dream, though?” I struggled, a twinge of anxiety shooting through me. Chloe gave me a hesitant look, her gaze shifting away from me after a moment. I inhaled sharply, waiting for her answer, hoping for the truth.  
“I… I don’t know… what happened. Exactly, that is.” Chloe slowly said, crossing her arms over her chest as she spoke. It looked like she was giving herself a hug, one that she desperately needed right now. One that I desperately needed. She tore her own gaze away from me, her eyebrows turned upwards and her mouth in a tight frown. I wanted to reach out to her, comfort her the way she has been for me these past couple of weeks. Something told me that I really shouldn’t, not right now. 

“What do you know?” I said, my voice strained and still hoarse from my earlier sobbing. But I can’t hide from these truths anymore. I can’t keep dancing around whatever horrible things happened to me. Whatever horrible things happened to Chloe, whether she remembers them all or not. Each timeline I created and experienced seems to have brought something horrid with it, leaving me with an impression on my brain of things no one else will ever experience. As much as I wanted to keep hiding away in this guesthouse with Chloe, smoking weed all day and escaping our pressing troubles, I knew that wasn’t an option anymore. 

I have to face my fears, my trauma, whether I’m ready for it or not. 

“Max, I don’t know if you’re ready for this-”

“I remembered David saving me.” I cut her off, my voice sounding more sure than I felt. Chloe’s head turned towards me, her eyes sharp and alert. I felt that would get her attention and, honestly, I’m glad that it did.

“You what? When?” She questioned, her voice harsh against the quiet around us. I shrunk back a bit. I knew I should had told her when it happened, but I didn’t want her to worry. Or do what she’s doing now: trying to protect me from the truth and trauma. I sighed, turning myself away from her. I couldn’t look her in the eye anymore.

“In… in the bathroom, when David came by earlier. When I was sitting on the toilet and he dropped my phone… I had a flashback. Or a memory. Whatever the hell it is.” I slowly said, my headache pressing itself harder against my skull. 

“That’s why you were a fucking mess? Why didn’t you say anything?” Chloe snapped, an edge of worry hugging her voice. I buried my face into my hands as I tried to block the world out for just a moment. I wanted to make everything stop so badly, just for a second. It dawned on me that I actually could, if I really wanted to. 

“I-... I also listened to... Nathan’s voicemail on my phone.” I feebly said between my hands. I felt Chloe shift on the bed, heard her feet press against the floor. The next thing I knew, she was kneeling before me, her hands on my hands as she tried to drag them away from my face. 

“Voicemail? He left you one?” Chloe questioned, the edge increasing in her voice. I finally let her tear my hands away as a sob escaped me. She let go of my wrists, placing a hand on my knee. I still couldn’t bring myself to look at her, too embarrassed with myself and this whole thing. I settled on keeping my eyes closed for the time being. 

“Yes… I listened to it when you were in the shower earlier. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.” I mumbled. I felt Chloe squeeze my knee. I choked back another sob, reeling it back in the best that I could. 

“Max…” Chloe trailed. I could hear the hurt in her voice.

“I just… I can’t keep this slow pace going. I need to find out what happened to everyone. What happened to me. What on earth did I do, Chloe? Is everything that happened my fault?” 

“That’s bullshit and you know it.” Chloe forcefully said, her grip on my knee getting tighter. I finally allowed myself to open my eyes, staring down at her. She was squatting on the ground in front of me, looking up at me with that same intense-loving look again. She kept shifting her feet around, like the blood was getting cut off to her legs with the way she was sitting, but she made no effort to change. Chloe stayed right where she was, staring at me and keeping me grounded. A couple more tears escaped me. 

“Chloe, what did I do?” I sobbed. Finally, she pushed herself up off the ground, wrapping me in another hug. Soft ‘shushes’ followed, one arm holding me tight while the other rested against my back and shoulder, her hand stroking my hair. I could feel her mouth moving against my head, strangled words of comfort pressed against me. I was deaf to whatever she was saying as a couple more sobs slipped out. 

_You destroyed everything around you._

000

“Ok, so today we’ll read some more journal entries.”

“Yeah.”

“And tomorrow we’ll get some breakfast, power through a couple more, and then to the hospital.”

“Are you sure it’s not too soon to see Warren? The nurse did say to wait until next week…” 

“We’re gonna do whatever the fuck we want, ok? He might be in some serious pain, but even if we can’t see him Kate’s still there. Who knows, maybe we’ll run into some other Arcadians.” Chloe said with a click of her tongue. I sighed and had to bite back the urge to roll my eyes. 

“Yeah, more people that I probably hurt…” I grumbled. Chloe smacked my arm. 

“Hey! Enough of that! We got a plan for tomorrow, alright? And I’m here for you every step of the way.” Chloe snapped, a playful yet forceful tone to her voice. I shrugged, eyeing myself in the mirror as I nervously shifted my weight on my feet. 

“Ok, ok…” I mumbled. 

“Ok! But first!” She exclaimed, wildly grinning at my expression in the mirror. She brought her hands up into view, snipping a pair of scissors in one hand and a bottle of hair dye in the other. I frowned at the hair dye, turning around to look at Chloe.

“Are… are you sure it’s gonna look ok?’ I nervously asked. What am I, twelve? I shouldn’t care what other people think. I honestly don’t care what other people think, just Chloe. She scoffed at me followed by a short laugh as she set the hair dye down on the sink. 

“Yes, I am totally sure! You’d rock with some colored hair!” 

“Just the tips, ok? What’d you call it?” 

“Dip dye. It’s called dip dyeing. I used this purple on my hair a long time ago, it’s the same brand I currently use. You see how the purple looks on my hair now, right? It doesn’t look like shit. Er, at least, I hope it doesn’t.” Chloe rambled as she grabbed a towel off the drying rack and threw it over my shoulders. I glanced at her blue-purple hair in the mirror. It looked like the farthest thing from shit.

“No, your hair rocks. But it faded to that purple, remember?” I said, trying to add a sarcastic tone. She laughed, grabbing my hair between her fingers. 

“You’re asking me if I remember something? That’s a hoot.” She said under her breath. I saw her bring the scissors close to my hair. Before she could snip I pulled away. Chloe groaned at me.

“Just a little off the ends, ok! We can always go shorter later.” I mumbled. I saw her rolls her eyes at me in the reflection as she grabbed at my hair again. Before I could say anything else, Chloe began snipping away. 

It was nice, having Chloe cut my hair and enjoy some silence with her. I never felt the need to fill the quiet with awkward chatter. Silence was always enjoyed with her, just sitting together - or in this case, standing - and enjoying each other's presence. I enjoy doing everything with Chloe. It’s the most comfortable I’ve felt, my mind telling me it’s the most comfortable I’ve ever been. I so badly wanted to remember the time I spent with her that week, a constant fear pressing against me that there would be moments between us that I wouldn’t remember. 

“Hey Max?” Chloe’s voice snapped me out of my thoughts. 

“What’s up?” 

“I’m… I’m sorry you had that nightmare.” Chloe feebly said. I still couldn’t figure out why she felt the need to apologize for it. I looked up at her reflection in the mirror. She held her gaze on the back of my head, continuing to snip away my dead ends. 

“Chloe, it wasn’t your fault. It’s my own fault, really.” 

“Still… I just want you to know, I’m going to help you remember as much as you can, ok? You’re not alone in this.” Chloe firmly said. It took everything in me to not turn around and pull her into a hug. I swallowed, searching for the right words.

“You’re not alone either. We’re going to get through this. Together.” I heard myself say. Once I said that, it felt like a weight had been lifted off my chest, like my heart suddenly didn’t weigh so much. I heard Chloe sniffle behind me. 

“Together forever, my friend.” Chloe chimed, a grin taking over her. She took one last snip off my hair, throwing the chink of hair on the ground. I handed her the small bottle of hair dye, not wanting to linger on my freshly cut hair for too long. 

There’s still work to be done. 

000

Chloe groaned from the kitchen table, slamming my journal closed. I picked at my fingers from the couch, ignoring my pressing thoughts.

After getting my hair all done, I let Chloe listen to the voicemail that Nathan had left me. She didn’t say much, just had an odd sense of dread surrounding her for a while after. I had decided to read a couple of more entries in my journal. I had read up until just a bit after Kate… poor Kate, after Kate had tried to jump. I now understood why Chloe hated Nathan and, to an extent, David so much. Thankfully I didn’t have any trauma filled flashbacks as I read. I think over preparing myself for the situation really helped. Also understanding what happened to Kate before seeing her tomorrow would be best. 

Warren’s crush on me, that Chloe seemed jealous of in my journal and not, was blatantly mentioned. It really did seem like he was trying really hard to get my attention.There was bullshit drama with Victoria, some other drama with some other friends - Juliet, Dana, Taylor - and of course more gross misuse of my time powers. It’s kind of amazing I was able to actually stop time, not just go back and forth, when it came to everything with Kate. But the more I read on, the more dangerous Nathan seemed. He carried this air of danger with him, every time his name was mentioned. Paired with the words of praise I had for Jefferson, it made me sick to my stomach. 

I knew, by this point, that the man in my dream had been Jefferson. Chloe had even confirmed a few days ago that it was Jefferson hurting all those girls. It’s not that far of a stretch, considering everything I’m reading about in my journal and slowly remembering, that Jefferson hurt me too. Now the real question is: was it in this timeline or another one? 

“Max, at the time I thought it was kind of lame to still have a journal at eighteen. Now I’m just relieved.” I heard Chloe mumble from the table. I looked over in her direction. We - meaning Chloe - decided that it would be best if we wrote down things that seemed like “major plot points”. Again, Chloe’s words. Chloe had taken it upon herself to create a nice little map of that week, hoping to incorporate some of my time travel. I don’t think she realized at the time how long she’d be spending on this - she was just going on two hours. 

I sighed and rolled my eyes, looking away from my friend. I kept catching my dyed tips out of the corner of my eye every time I moved my head. Thankfully, Chloe only cut off about an inch, making my hair feel oh so soft. The purple almost matched Chloe’s, just slightly darker. When I first got out of the shower, after rinsing all the dye away, I had wished for a moment we had gone with another color. I thought red might look good for a second, but something told me I had already seen too much red around me. 

“Chloe, we can stop for a bit.” I quietly said. I knew she could hear me, though. The room was too quiet not to. I heard her forcefully set her pen down on the table as she shoved my journal away from her. 

“Yeah, probably a good idea. I’m gonna go crazy sitting here, I’m too fucking jittery.” Chloe said as she pushed herself up from the table. She stalked across the living room, keeping her eyes on me. I blushed, trying to maintain eye contact as Chloe stared me down. She made her way over to the stereo system sitting on the TV shelf next to the TV. Fishing her phone out of her pocket and searching on it for a moment, she plugged it into the system. A second later, calming techno-like tune started to pour from the speakers. Chloe moved towards me, clapping her hands along with the music.

“C’mon! We’re gonna dance!” She exclaimed. Before I could react, she grabbed my hand and pulled me up from the couch in one swift movement. I let out a yelp as she held onto me, swinging my arm around with her movements. I think she was trying to get me to dance with her.

“Chloe, I don’t know how to dance.” I laughed, moving my shoulders a little to the beat. She laughed in my face as she continued to bounce around, shaking her hips in a way that was certainly not in tune. 

“Neither do I, but here I am! C’mon, Max, shake that ass!” She exclaimed with another laugh. 

Her words caught me off guard for a second. I felt like I was in deja vu, which is kind of a weird feeling to have after knowing you can time travel. I felt like Chloe and I had been in a situation like this before. It felt like a memory was pressing against the mushy barriers of my brain, wanting to force itself through. I stopped my movements, taking a few shaky breaths and closing my eyes. This is a fun and happy moment with Chloe. I don’t want to ruin it by being a traumatic mess. 

“Max?” Chloe’s voice rang. She was still holding onto my wrist. I felt that her dancing had stopped, but the music kept playing. I forced whatever horrible thoughts I was about to have away. This wasn’t deja vu back to a horrible memory, despite what my panic wanted me to think. I felt that this had been a nice moment between Chloe and I. But, at the same time, I don’t have to focus on those memories of her to know that we have - and had - something special. I can create new memories with her. 

I smiled big and wide at Chloe, putting my ass into full on dance-mode. She let out another wild laugh as the song ended and went on to another dancey one. Holding each other's hands, we danced around the living room, forgetting the trauma and worries we had been so focused on earlier.

It just felt so good to laugh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the song they were dancing to in the last part is Your Drums, Your Love (Remix) by Alunageorge. i just happened to be listening to it while writing and it fit really nicely!! in case anyone wanted to hear it!!


	10. Gay Panic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello everyone! oh my god, i am so sorry for the unintentional hiatus. i wrote like 85% of this a couple of months ago and then depression struck. i've struggled with depression for a really long time and unfortunately what comes along with that is my own special brand of PTSD. writing this fic, well since it deals heavily with max's recovery and her PTSD, it worse me out a bit. i drew in a lot of my own stuff, which at first was great because it helped me validate some of my stuff. but at the same time, it helped me realize that the coping mechanisms that i've used for so long, well, aren't working for me anymore. so that meant i had to put this story on hold, just for a bit. 
> 
> but i'm back!! thank you everyone that's taken the time to read, comment, and bookmark this fic! leave a comment and tell me what you think!!

“Ok, so I'm not sure how much more you really need to read.”

“Uh huh.” I groaned, rolling my eyes at Chloe.

“Well, I'm just saying! It might be good to go back and re read some stuff, you know? Make sure you're not missing anything.” Chloe shot back, an edge of excitement in her voice. I had to stifle down another eye roll.

“Way ahead of you. We might not get to see Warren today, but I wanna make sure I'm read up on Kate.” I mumbled as I flipped back to the beginning of that horrible week. I could feel Chloe grinning at me from across the table.

We had left early that morning. Well, early for us. Chloe insisted that we get some breakfast along the way. She never seemed opposed to eating out, even though David's parents had stocked up the guest house with food. Chloe had decided on a little hole-in-the-wall diner along the way to the hospital. Thankfully there weren't too many people around, helping to ease my anxiety about having my journal out and open in public.

I had already began my re read last night, thinking it really would be a good idea to be well versed on what happened to Kate. I'm not sure if she knew I was in the hospital not too long ago myself, or that Chloe and I were in an accident. A sudden spike of dread stabbed at me, thinking about Kate sitting alone in the hospital while I've been recovering. I hope that she's not mad at me and can forgive my absence. I stared blankly at my journal below me, unable to get my eyes to focus for too long.

While I had been going over things last night, I had realized that I had been blind to some pretty important details. I had been so focused on my own recovery and getting my memories back that I had somehow forgot to pay attention to why Chloe and I started our wild detective act. My eyes skimmed over the page before turning it, landing on the name I had been searching for.

Rachel Amber.

All last night I tried to think of a good way to bring Rachel up to Chloe. She had only mentioned her before in passing thought. Those times, it had felt like Chloe was desperately trying to not think of the girl. From what I can gather from my journal, it appeared that she had gone missing six months prior to my arrival back into Chloe's life. Chloe had thought that Rachel just up and left without her, seeing as the two of them had been best friends. Something in the back of my mind told me that Chloe had thought of more between them, but I shoved those thoughts down when they were followed by jealousy.

I shaken away from my thoughts when the waitress set our food down. I had gone for scrambled eggs and bacon while Chloe eyes her short stack of pancakes. The delicious smell of our food brought me back to reality for a second. I made eye contact with Chloe, a ghost of a grin stuck to her. I rolled my eyes as I took a fork to my food. Eye rolling is easier than trying to fake smile.

“So, getting any headway on the skimming?” Chloe chimed after a couple of large bites of her food. I felt my face flush and I sheepishly curled my fingers around the edges of my journal. Were Chloe and I so close before that she could even tell when I was fake reading?

“Uh, yeah I think so.” I mumbled as I turned the page. This time around reading, I couldn't help but focus more on the paragraphs discussing Rachel. It seemed like I held onto a twinge of jealousy regarding her and Chloe. It felt like I was trying so hard to not be jealous at the junk yard. Finding Rachel and Chloe's little hidey hole only seemed to add confusion to my already mixed emotions. It appeared I had felt happy she had someone there for her all those years... but dread knowing it wasn't me.

“Woah dude are you ok? Your face is pretty intense.” Chloe's voice rang across my thoughts. I tried to keep my eyes glued to the page in front of me but couldn't help linger up to Chloe.

“Yeah, just serious about this reading.” I sighed. It wasn't a complete lie. Chloe raised an eyebrow at me as she took her last bite of food.

“Well, you'll give yourself more brain damage keeping whatever thoughts you have to yourself. I can help fill in any holes, if you want.” Chloe's words danced around her food. I held back another eye roll as I turned the page again.

“Everything that happened with Kate was pretty fucked up...” I trailed, hoping to make a poor segway into talking about Rachel. Chloe shrugged as she took another bite and avoided eye contact.

“Tell me about it. That poor girl went through too much. You really did save her, though.” Chloe quietly said, like she was thinking out loud. I stifled a smile into a grimace. I shouldn't feel happy for saving someone like that, especially since they shouldn't have gone through that in the first place. Kate didn't deserve what happened. No one did.

“So... I've read up to where we took over Blackwell-”

“Seriously?! Man, that was a fun night.” Chloe exclaimed, her face burning red when she realized she had interrupted me. She settled back down and waited for me to continue.

“Yeah... I got to the part where we stole that money, so good thing I'm in for more fun that night.” I tried to joke, hoping to get Chloe to laugh before I start ripping at her own stitches. She grinned at me slyly.

“Let's just say things get a little wet.”

“Chloe!” I exclaimed, my own face now burning. My whole body felt like it was on fire and prickly. Chloe bellowed out a few loud laughs at my expense. I so desperately wanted to hide my face from her.

“In the pool! You are too cute, I swear.” Chloe shot back, pushing her food away from her so she could rest her elbow on the table. She placed her face in her hand, her eyes bright and playful, another wild grin plastered there. I tried my best to ignore the small twinge of disappointment at that statement. Trying not to be gay for your best friend really isn't working out.

“ _Anyway_ , I've read up just to that point. From what I can gather from what you've told me and what's in my journal, it's safe to say it was Jefferson who hurt Kate, right?” I said in a blur, hoping that Chloe caught all of that so I wouldn't have to repeat myself. Chloe's playful demeanor quickly dropped once I mentioned Jefferson's name. Her whole face fell into a frown. She clicked her tongue before speaking.

“Unfortunately, yes. That bastard really liked hurting the best of us.” Chloe's voice was harsh and full of anger. I raised an eyebrow at her, concerned. I didn't quite expect that reaction out of her. I tried to steady my breathing as I searched for the best words to bring up my next topic.

“In my journal... I mention this girl, Rachel Amber? I mention her a few times...” I trailed, giving Chloe a second to process my words. Her face didn't change, but keeping an angry expression didn't help.

“Ok.” She flatly said. I took another deep breath.

“She was our reason to start our investigation, right? But... what happened to her?” I tread carefully. I could see Chloe clench her teeth together, her eyes grow hard as she squinted off into space. I moved my head into her view just a bit, hoping to gain her attention again. She started to tap her finger against the side of her face. After a moment of tense silence, Chloe let out a small sigh and returned her focus to me.

“Max... I don't think I'm ready...” Chloe trailed, her voice thick and watery. I furrowed my eyebrows and couldn't help the small stab of frustration I felt. Chloe had pushed so hard for my own recovery by being the Claws of Denial – it felt like at times she didn't even _want_ me to recover. I punched down my anger the best I could, trying to not let it cloud my judgment.

“Chloe, I know it's painful but this might help me reconnect with Kate and-”

“Big fucking hooray, I'm supposed to be your _best friend_ right?” Chloe snapped, now moving to cross her arms in front of her chest. It felt and looked very defensive. She had an odd edge around her voice when she said 'best friend'. There's no way I could have got around noticing that. I pushed myself back a little, gently pressing my back to the back of the chair. I raised my eyebrows at Chloe. Her mood had taken a really quick turn, the turn I was hoping it wouldn't take.

“Look, Chloe, you _are_. But my memories involve more people than just the two of us. Everything that happened is bigger than that. I can't help but feel, after reading my journal, that I thought Rachel was part of it.” I forced myself to stop before going on too long a tangent. By this point, Chloe had completely turned herself away from me, eyes glowering as she faced the window. I couldn't tell if she was sour by what I said or because she knew I was right.

“I said I wasn't ready, ok?” She gruffly said. Before I could even think of something to say, she pushed herself up from the table, her forgotten about plate clanging against the table as it shook. Chloe tore herself away from the table and in a few quick steps, out of the diner. I called after her but she ignored me. With a groan I reached into my pocket and threw a twenty of the table before taking after her. It was probably way more than we needed for the meal, but at least the waitress got a nice tip for dealing with us.

“Chloe! _Chloe!_ ” I called after her, jogging a little to catch up. She had reached the car by now, stopping when she heard my voice with her fingers wrapped around the handle. She took long steady breaths in, keeping her gave glued to the car door even when I came up next to her. I stood about a foot away from her, catching my own breath.

It was silent for a long moment between us, Chloe's anger boiling then cooling several times. I shifted around on my feet a bit. I wanted to reach out and hug her and shove my words back into my mouth. This wasn't the direction I wanted this conversation to go. I somehow held myself together, waiting as patiently as I could for Chloe to say something, _anything_. Finally, after what felt like my whole life, Chloe let out a loud sigh before dropping her hand off the door handle. She turned her gaze towards me, eyes watery and face hard. I hated that that expression was directed towards me.

“Max... really, I know you're trying to help, but you're not.” Chloe said real quiet, unable to look me in the eye. Her words stabbed at me as panic crept up.

“Chloe, I'm sorry. I didn't want to upset you.” I feebly replied. It felt like nothing I could say in that moment would help at all. I heard her sigh again as she stepped to the side a bit, digging around in her jacket for her cigarettes. She pulled a lighter out along with, lighting one stuck between her lips. I can't stand cigarettes, but I can't deny how attractive Chloe always looks with one.

“Max... I know you have stuff about her in your journal, I'm not that dense.” Chloe mumbled as she exhaled, quickly taking another long drag. I felt my face flush at her words. I didn't want to think it, but I was worried that Chloe had maybe read my journal while I was in my coma. My fears must have been present on my face because Chloe barked out a laugh.

“I didn't read your journal, don't worry. But you weren't wrong, she was part of things...” She trailed, leaning against the side of the car as she powered down her cigarette. I leaned next to her, maybe a bit closer than I should have.

“You don't have to talk about it. If you don't want to.” I forced out. My curiosity around the enigma that is Rachel Amber bit at me, wanting to press. But Chloe is recovering, too, just like I am. She needs her time.

“That's why I'm not going to. Not right now at least. Just... give me some time.” She mumbled, finishing her cigarette and quickly lighting another one. It amazed me how fast she could smoke those things.

“I guess I can do that.” I groaned, trying to add a joking edge to my voice. Chloe forced a sideways smile my direction but didn't react otherwise. It was quiet for another long moment while she chugged away at her cigarette.

“It's just...” Chloe trailed, taking a few more long puffs before awkwardly clearing her throat. I could practically see her racing thoughts on her face. I wanted to reach out to her, comfort her in some way, but I felt powerless to provide that in the moment.

“What is it, Chloe?” I quietly pushed. She took another long drag, a small snort escaping her as she did. Her face flushed for a second. How on earth is she so cute?

_How on earth are you so disgusting?_

That voice in the back of my head felt like a slap to the face. I felt cold and stiff. It just dawned on me that yeah, I really should not be having so many gay thoughts about my best friend. Wouldn't most people be having a crisis about it? I suddenly felt very uncomfortable and very awkward about myself.

“I... It's just, I lost Rachel, and then I thought I lost you not soon after. I just need some time to heal.” Chloe said through gritted teeth. She refused to look at me as she spoke, but I could clearly see that blush on her face. It was hard for her to be open about her feelings, but watching her struggle to try made me feel special. I shuffled my feet around, sheepishly staring at the ground as I struggled with words. I still feel to awkward about myself and suddenly wished I could be at home in bed.

“Just... I'm here for you, yanno? No matter what.” I heard myself say, my face flushing around my words. Chloe's cigarette fell at my feet, bringing my attention back to her. There's so much more I could say right now. I could tell her I'm never going anywhere, but even I don't know if that's totally true. I could tell her what she's doing isn't fair, since she always seems to be so wrapped up in my own trauma. I could tell her that standing here with her, her face taking on a slight gray from the gray clouds above and her own grief, that she's the most beautiful thing I've ever laid my eyes on.

“What's up with you? You're as red as a tomato.” Chloe's voice rang across my thoughts. I snapped back into reality, only just now noticing how unbearably hot my face had become. My hands shot up to my face as I turned on my heel away from Chloe. God, what is wrong with me?!

“N-nothing! I'm fine. Can we go now, ok?” I feebly said. I could feel Chloe's grin pierce my back as a chuckle escaped her.

“With you, anywhere.”  
  


000

“God, _finally_.” Chloe breathed as she pulled her car into a parking spot. My heart was beating so fast I felt like I was going to be sick. I didn't want to mention that fact to Chloe, knowing she'd just make a joke about how it's good we're at a hospital now.

Chloe cut the engine and unbuckled herself, but otherwise made no move to get out of the car. I slowly undid my own buckle, eyeing her. She had rested her elbow against the side of the door, planting her chin in her hand. I raised an eyebrow as I examined her blurry reflection.

“Um... you were gonna come with... right?” I trailed. I sounded as insecure as I felt. It would be ok if Chloe wanted to stay in the car... maybe. Thinking about dealing with people I know but don't really know all alone gave me a whole new breed of anxiety.

“Huh? Oh, yeah of course, Max. I'm just... I dunno.” Chloe lamely said back. She had moved her arm to her lap, glancing in my direction, unable to make eye contact. What is she so nervous about?

“You dunno?”

“Yeah, I... I just feel like an ass for getting so upset earlier. I dunno, I just thought... I thought you wouldn't wanna be around me for a bit.” Chloe quietly replied. Her leg had started to bounce. Looks like her fight or flight response is still working.

“Hey, Chloe, it's ok. I mean it. Of course I want you to come with me. They're your friends, too, right?” I said with a small laugh, trying to lighten the mood. Chloe tried to stifle a grin but failed.

“Ok, ok.” She drawled out in a fake sing song voice. She finally turned and looked at me, beaming at me like I was the best thing in the world she had ever seen. I felt my heart stop, just for a second, as Chloe's smile and presence warmed me from the inside out. In all of this confusion and fear driven anxiety, through all my panic attacks and meltdowns, Chloe had always felt like a spark of hope. She's been my guiding light through all of this. There's nothing more I want to do right now than just hold her.

_That's a really straight thing to be thinking about your best friend there._

That cold, familiar – yet so hauntingly unfamiliar – voice slapped me in the back of my mind. If... if that makes sense. Like having a bucket of cold water dumped on me, I felt my whole body snap back into real life. What am I thinking? How can I be having all these thoughts? Is it even remotely ok that I think of Chloe like this? Does she know I think of her like this? What would she do if she did? What am I even doing?

Maybe I am having a gay panic attack about this.

“Ready to go raise hell with Kate Marsh?” Chloe asked, her soft but firm voice sticking to me. I held onto the laugh in her voice, silently scolding myself for doing so. Willing myself to calm down from my gay panic, I nodded at Chloe and returned her smile.

“Ready.”


	11. There's A Ghost In Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey everyone!! i'm so sorry again for such a long pause between chapters. after i posted the last chapter, i lost my job and have been unemployed for a while. that took a big toll on my mental health. but i pushed myself to finish this chapter and somehow pushed out 4,000 words today to finish it. anyway, thank you everyone who has left a comment, left some kudos, and taken the time to read this fic!! i'm going to try and not take another long pause between chapters again. please comment and let me know what you think!!

“Max.”

“Huh?”

“I, like, seriously need you to stop shaking your leg around. It's making me fuckin' nervous.” Chloe grumbled. I clenched my hand against my knee, willing the bouncing to stop.

We had been waiting for about twenty minutes. The waiting room was way too white and eerily clean. I guess it's gotta be for a hospital. When we had walked in the door, Chloe strode right up to the check-in desk, demanding in her very charming Chloe way that we see Kate. The receptionist had been a little taken aback at Chloe's whole demeanor, eyeing her up and down before clicking away at her computer. After a moment of tense silence, the receptionist informed us that Kate was currently in her therapy session. Chloe's shoulders had slumped a bit dramatically as she groaned. The receptionist informed us that we were welcome to wait until Kate was done, but that it would be about forty-five minutes until we could see her. With another groan, Chloe turned on her heel, dragging me over to the neat array of chairs and tables that made up the waiting area.

I couldn't help my nerves about seeing Kate. I hadn't seen her since before the storm had happened or had any contact with her. That didn't help my 'you're a shitty person' feeling in the pit of my stomach. I couldn't help but feel I hadn't done everything that I could to help her while I read my journal. There were times I should have tried better to reach out to her... to comfort her better. I felt anxious and scared about the friendship that had developed between the two of us. We had grown so close and went through something together... and I couldn't even remember any of it, or even have an emotional connection to it. Other than being a fucking nervous wreck.

“Hey, Max, you look like you're gonna be sick.” Chloe mumbled in my ear, nudging my side. I flinched away from her, feeling like I was going to explode at any given touch. Chloe turned an eyebrow up at me and she drew her hand away.

“S-sorry, Chloe. I'm just... ugh, I'm just nervous.” I groaned, putting my hands underneath my legs and pressing down into the chair. I tried to focus on that pressure, not allowing myself to start shaking again. I started tapping my foot on the ground. I heard Chloe sigh as she stretched her arms out, lacing her fingers together and stretching her hands. There were several loud pops of her knuckles. It grossed me out when she popped her hands like that – she knew it, too. Chloe stood up from her chair with a huff, turning towards me with one hand on her hips.

“Let's go outside and get some air, ok? It beats sitting around and waiting.” Chloe said as she extended her other hand towards me. I started at her hand for a brief moment then up at her. She offered me a slight grin as she nodded her head towards the automatic doors leading outside. Pushing my nerves aside, I grabbed her hand and held on tight as she pulled me up from my seat in one swift motion.

She held my hand the entire walk outside. Chloe certainly makes it really hard to not have... gay feelings towards her.

Chloe had lead me back to her parked car in the parking lot. Instead of getting inside, we leaned against the back of it. Chloe still hand a hard grip on my hand, her nails digging into the back of my hand a bit. I held on as well, although not nearly as tight. I felt comforted and grounded with Chloe holding my hand. Without breaking contact, Chloe reached into her pocket and brought out her cigarettes. She struggled for a second to grab one from the box, making grumbling noises to herself as she tried. I had to stifle my laughter, considering letting go of her hand so she could, you know, actually function. Before I could make up my mind about it, Chloe drew one from the box, sticking it between her lips and putting the box away. She lite it in an instance. Taking a long drag from it, she looked at me with a mischievous grin.

“Max, hey, feel free to say no, but I think a drag might help you.” Chloe said with a bounce to her voice. I rolled my eyes, trying to look away from her but failing.

“I dunno, I already feel pretty sick.” I replied. There was no power to my voice, knowing I was already going to say 'yes'. Chloe's made it very clear that she never wants to peer pressure me and I don't do these things to impress her or anything – although that felt like a lie the second I thought it. But standing here with her, cigarette in her hand and that grip of hers on mine, her ripped up jeans and flannel and “too cool for school” jacket and beanie, I couldn't help but want to do anything she asked of me just to have a chance to be a part of her world. Without saying anything else, I reached forward and snatched the cigarette out of her hand. I could feel Chloe's smile widen.

“If you feel sick – er, sicker – after I'll buy you some water or something.” Chloe chimed. I rolled my eyes at her, giving her a smirk. The cigarette felt ho tin my finger tips, the little trail of smoke rising from it burning the inside of my nose. Before I could let myself think about it anymore, I brought it to my lips and inhaled. I held the mouthful of smoke in my lungs for about five seconds before exhaling. I had to hold back a mighty hard cough as Chloe barked out a laugh, grabbing my hand even tighter and swinging our hands around in excitement.

“Max, hell yeah! This is so cool, your first cigarette!” Chloe exclaimed. My eyes had begun to water from how hard I was trying to not cough. I shoved the cigarette back at Chloe, finally allowing myself to cough. Chloe let out another laugh as she stole the cigarette back. She let go of my hand, bringing her own up to my back and patting me a little too hard. I cleared my throat, now too focused on the coldness of my hand to pay attention to coughing.

“My last cigarette, you mean. I don't know how you smoke those things.” I said in a low voice, trying not to kick start my hacking again. Chloe took a couple of long drags, her hand still firmly planted on my back. I could feel her fingers curl along with the wrinkles of my jacket. I turned my gaze to staring at the side of her face as she slowly finished her cigarette.

The sun had risen by this point, creating dark shadows across her face as it continued to rise behind her. It made her blue hair look even more vibrant than it already is. Her whole punk demeanor had this “don't fuck with me” vibe to it, from her black worn-in jacket down to the cigarette she kept bringing back to her lips. Now I couldn't stop staring at her lips, how easily she placed them around her cigarette, the light grin that remained on her face from laughing, just how goddamn beautiful she is –

_Just how fucking gay can you be? Wipe that shit eating grin off your face, you're disgusting! How the hell do you think Chloe would feel if she knew you were thinking these disgusting as fuck thoughts?!_

Every time that voice comes back, crawling into the back of my head, it feels like such a slap to the face. I could feel the bile building in my throat quick and fast. My eyes started to tear up from the sudden and extreme nausea taking over me. That cold voice is right – how can I be thinking of my best friend like this? You're not supposed to have romantic feelings for your best friend. You're not supposed to have romantic feelings for your _female_ best friend. I don't even want to think about what Chloe would think if she knew. She would probably be filled with disgust.

“Hey, ready to head back?” Chloe's voice sharply rang across my thoughts. I blinked a couple of times, trying to focus myself back into reality. My eyes landed back on Chloe as she flicked her cigarette across the pavement away from us. She had taken her hand off of my back, lightly trailing it now along the backside of my own hand. The urge to grab her hand burned me; like if I didn't do it, I might just lose my hand. I couldn't help the rise in panic at the thought of holding her hand again. Instead, I curled my fingers inwards, clenching my hand into a tight an unsure fist. I noticed Chloe raise an eyebrow as she awkwardly drew her hand away from me. Taking a deep breath in, trying to hide the obvious shudder than came with it, I pushed myself away from Chloe's car and refused to make eye contact with her.

“As ready as I'll be.”

000

I kept my eyes glued to the floor as Chloe pushed the door open. As we shuffled in, I could hear the steady beat of hospital machines and the faint scraping of pencil on paper.

“Hey, uh, Kate!” Chloe said a little too loudly. I tried to keep myself compact behind Chloe, still afraid to face Kate and my fears. I heard a small gasp and the shuffling on someone standing. I chanced looking up for a second, but before I could register much around me I was encompassed by awkward arms, the smell of cinnamon, and a _lot_ of hair. I gave a small pat on the back before my hug-assailant drew back.

Kate's smile was so warm and comforting. Like, is it even possible or even allowed for someone to radiant so much emotion? Her eyes were hardly even open she was smiling so hard. She kept a firm grip on my shoulders, beaming at me. Her long hair came down in slight waves all around her. It still looked a little damp. I let out a short laugh as I tried to return the smile.

“Hey, Kate.” I mumbled, letting my smile relax some. Kate finally took a step back from me, giving Chloe and equally nice smile.

“Come sit, Max! Chloe, you too.” Kate excitedly said, leading us over to the small table near her bed. She sat down on her bed as Chloe took a seat, leaving the chair directly next to the bed open for me. It crossed my mind that I should smack Chloe for that, but decided not to. Shaking, I took my seat.

“Max, I'm so glad to see you! You, too, of course, Chloe. I haven't seen you two since before the storm... I feared the worst.” Kate said, her voice dropping in excitement as she lingered towards the storm. My heart began to race.

“Uh, yeah. I'm sorry Kate, a lot has happened and... we just didn't have a chance until now to come see you.” I lamely offered. It was kind of the truth. Kate nodded her head, a small smile returning to her.

“Yeah Kate... we have some unfortunate news about Max...” Chloe chimed in. Dear god, it's getting hard to not punch her. Kate's face immediately went to concern as she brushed away some hair from her face. God, were all of my friends super attractive? I shouldn't be focused on that right now.

“Max, what is it? Are you ok?” Kate asked, the worry just dripping from her voice. I had to force myself to look at the ground and not Kate. I could feel my face growing hot from embarrassment. I know I couldn't have gone very long into conversation with Kate without her realizing that, yeah, I'm missing huge chunks of memory, but I had hoped to put off this part of the conversation for at least five more minutes. I tried to swallow the lump in my throat but my mouth had gone too dry.

“I... Chloe and I... after the storm had cleared we went to leave town and-... and we were in a car accident. I... I got really injured and I think with whatever trauma had already happened that week... my doctor told my I had 'trauma induced amnesia'.” I stumbled over my words. I could feel the tears pooling at the corners of my eyes. I kept my gaze fixed on the same spot on to floor, my hands curling into fists as I tried to hold back my trembling. Am I having an anxiety attack? My heart is racing pretty hard... I feel like I may have a full blown attack any second.

“Oh, Max.” I heard Kate say under her breath. In one motion, she stood up from her bed and wrapped me into a giant hug. Unlike the hug we had a moment ago, this one was tighter, warmer, comforting. I awkwardly patted her arms, trying to convey that I was ok. She pulled away after a solid moment, patting me on the shoulder before sitting back down.

“So... I'm guessing you don't remember a whole lot?” Kate stiffly asked. I shrugged.

“There's parts that I remember, but I feel like I'm missing a lot of information. I was hoping...” I let myself trail. Kate raised an eyebrow at me. I heard Chloe sigh on the other side of me.

“Max is missing a lot from her memory and we were just kind of hoping that you might be able to help her fill in some blanks.” Chloe shot in. This time I didn't want to punch her.

“I know you're recovering from your own stuff so I understand if it's too much to ask.” I quickly added. I don't want to make Kate feel like she's obligated to tell us anything.

“Yeah, exactly... but I feel like there's a lot you can help Max with.” Chloe softly said. I heard Kate sigh as I finally gained the confidence to look directly at her again. She had gathered her hair up in her hands, rolling it with ease into a loose bun on top her head. Large strands fell out, but she didn't seem to care.

“You've spent a lot of time recovering, haven't you.” Kate stated. It sounded like it should have been a question but she gave no flare in her tone to suggest that. I nodded. Kate gave another sigh as her own hands clenched against her hospital pants.

“What do you need to know?”

000

A few hours later, and after a lot of tea, Kate had given us a full story of her account.

The week before the storm, Jefferson – or Nathan, she didn't talk for very long about that part – had drugged her at a Vortex Club party and taken her. Keeping her drugged up, Jefferson took photos of her. She then spent the week of the storm being horrendously bullied by our classmates for how she was acting at the party – and for making out with a handful of people. Kate, in a sardonic tone, had told us it was the drugs. She told us that I had tried to help bring Nathan to justice for hurting her because at the time, we weren't aware that Jefferson was the one really behind everything. Despite me trying to help her, Kate told me that she still felt lost and extremely ostracized from her family and her peers. After trying to reach out one last time for help – unfortunately, that “help” being Jefferson – Kate had felt like the only end to all of it was, well, to end it.

“I felt so not like myself. Like there wasn't ever going to be an end to the torture. I thought... I thought if I were dead, then it wouldn't be a problem anymore.” Kate said in a solemn voice.

“I'm glad you're still here.” I tried, wanting to reach forward and comfort her in some way. Kate shot me a smile.

“Well, honestly Max, I'm still here because of you. You came up there and talked me down. You showed me that people really do care about me.” Kate said, the warmth coming back into her. As I stared at her smiling face, I couldn't help but have the image of her throwing herself off the side of a building play over and over again in my head. It took me really off guard and nearly knocked the breath right out of me.

Chloe said something and soon her and Kate were locked into conversation. Whatever they were saying went in one ear and out the other. Nothing stuck to my brain. I couldn't stop my heart from racing. I could feel something on the cusp of my brain, like something was trying to force it's way through the sponge my brain has become. I glanced over at Chloe. She had a huge bring plastered on her face, barking out a laugh as she kept the conversation going with Kate.

“Max, the last time I saw you you were heading to Nathan's room to find out some more dirt on him. I'm assuming that went well since I read in the paper he got arrested.” Kate said, bringing me back down to reality. I could hear the little push in her voice.

“I'm sure you saw that Jefferson was arrested, too, then.” Chloe said. There was a bite in her voice around Jefferson's name. My mind started to reel around my memories I had of what had happened, the passages I had wrote in my journal surrounding what I could remember. Feeling dizzy, I rubbed my forehead with my fingers, trying to stay grounded. All I could think about was that horrifying nightmare I had and the sick feeling that Jefferson had hurt me.

_Get out get out get out get out GET OUT GET OUT._

I sprung up from my chair, the legs scraping loudly against the ground. Chloe and Kate jumped at my sudden movement. Kate looked so concerned, her mouth opening and closing a few times. I could feel Chloe staring at me, her own worry seeping into me. I coughed awkwardly as I starting moving towards the door.

“Max-?”

“I'm fine! I'm fine, just uh, need to use the restroom real quick. I'll be right back. Chloe, it's ok if you wanna fill her in.” I mumbled as I pointed towards the door. Before they could stop me, I bolted for the door.

“Max, there's a bathroom in here-” Chloe's voice rang behind me, but she was too late. I closed the door behind me as I left the room, cutting her off. The overall hum of the hospital took over my senses, filling my head with an odd sort of white noise. I looked up and down the hall before turning to my right, keeping my head down and eyes glued to my feet. There had been a restroom near the waiting area so I made my way back in that direction.

_Get out get out you sick fuck how can you sit there and calmly listen to this shit how can you be ok with what happened to Kate some fuckin' friend you are you basically let all of this shit happen to you all of this is your fault people are dead because of you don't you FUCKING DARE THINK ABOUT CHLOE –_

My frantic thoughts and the horrible voice in my head had started to melt together. Were they ever separate? Pressure had begun to build behind my forehead, the feeling of a pressing memory catching me off guard. I finally had reached the restroom, throwing myself into the door and stumbling in. As I stumbled through, my surroundings began to change just slightly. I had been transported to another place and time –

_I had been teleported into a bathroom that was much too grungy for a hospital. Three bathroom stalls and two mirrors. The walls were a sickly gray-yellow color, the dim bathroom lights over the sinks creating an unwelcoming feeling. I took the few steps over to the sinks, staring at myself in the mirror. I closed my eyes, trying so damn hard to catch my breath. Why does my brain keep doing this?_

_When I opened my eyes, the walls had changed. Numbers had appeared all over the bathrooms walls. It felt like they were a code of some sort... but I couldn't place my finger on it. My heart began to race even faster. I feel like I'm trapped in my dream again... but I've only had these flashbacks when it's a memory... so did this really happen?_

_I felt a trickle down my chin. Looking up in the mirror, I saw that my nose had begun to profusely drain of blood. I could taste the copper on my lips. I help my hand up to my nose, not really trying to stop it but collecting the blood in my hand. I heard laughter behind me, cold and familiar. I glanced behind me in the mirror, locking eyes with my doppelganger. They were sporting the same nose bleed._

“What do you want?” _I growled, not at all pleased to see this fucking nightmare. The pounding in my head grew as the blood coming out of my nose increased. They laughed, menacing and mocking._

“ _I want you to stop thinking all these disgusting thoughts about Chloe. You really shouldn't be thinking about banging your best friend.” They snapped at me, the humor they had before turning dark. A horrendous scowl had replaced their features. They made no attempt to conceal their bleeding nose, letting the blood run down their chin to their neck and shirt. Nausea took over me again as a fierce blush came across me._

“I don't think about that.” _I said with force. My stomach began to bubble in a really unpleasant way. My look-a-like barked out a laugh. I saw them take a couple steps towards me in the mirror but heard no footsteps behind me. My heart was racing a million miles a minute now._

“ _Kissing, fucking. Really, what's the difference with you?” They said in my ear. I heard it so loud and clear. I shivered, flinched away from them. They laughed again, cold and hard._

“I'm here for Kate, nothing else. _” I weakly said. I could feel tears pooling in the corners of my eyes, threatening to fall at any second. I feel like I'm lying._

“ _You're lying. God, Max, you can't even be honest with yourself with how fucking... vulgar you are.” They whispered in my ear, low and with a bite. I started to breathe real heavy and squeezed my eyes shut, feeling like I was on the edge of hyperventilating. Just breathe, Max, it's ok. This is all in your head. Not even a second passed before I felt them grab the back of my head by my hair, twisting my head around. I opened my eyes in shock._

_They were still standing behind me, this time much closer. Their hand gripped my hair with such force. I don't think I could ever be that forceful with someone and it makes me feel uneasy seeing myself do so. I blinked a couple of times before focusing back towards the mirror. I saw standing beside us in the other mirror myself and Chloe. We were in our pajamas. Chloe had this grin on her face that told me she was up to no good. Her voice faded into the room around me, our conversation growing in volume._

“ _Put this on and let your inner punk-rock girl come out! You can afford to take chances.” Chloe's voice had so much confidence in it followed by a slight teasing. I saw myself smiling skeptically at her as she spoke._

“ _Whenever and whatever you want to try... for example, I dare you to kiss me!” Chloe excitedly dared me. My face – my reflection – changed entirely._

“ _What?”_

“ _I double dare you. Kiss me now.” Chloe dared again. Her familiar shit eating grin ate up her face as she waited for me to make a move. It seemed like my reflection only needed a second to think about it as I grabbed Chloe's shoulder and face, moving in and pecking her on the lips. The kiss only last a second before Chloe backed away, obviously taken off guard. Before anything else could play out, our reflections paused. My doppelganger tightened their hold on me._

“ _Yanno... what would have happened if she hadn't of pulled away?” They seethed. With a hiss, they let go of my hair and shoved my head in the opposite direction. Some blood from my face flew off onto the wall from the force. My hands were trembling and my thoughts racing. They did have a point – what would have happened?_

“I-... I- _” I stammered, unable to get my thoughts together. All I could focus on was that, in one time line or another, I had actually had the chance to kiss Chloe. My face burned with shame. I can't believe that's all I can focus on right now._

“ _You and Chloe were supposed to be helping Kate, but you didn't. You were off fucking around with her! You destroyed a whole town for her! How do you fucking live with yourself?!” My doppelganger screamed at me. I felt the bile rise in my mouth as I closed my eyes and before I could stop myself, I threw up in the sink._

_After a few heavy heaves, I risked opening my eyes. I wiped at my mouth, staring down at my hand. Instead of puke, like I had anticipated on seeing, my hand was drenched with blood. A whole new level of panic set in me as I gasped, struggling to get air into my lungs. I couldn't stop my frantic blinking as I looked down into the sink. The off-white sink was stained with blood. I could feel my eyes vibrating I wanted to cry so bad. As I examined the sink further, I saw something sitting in the pool of blood. With shaky hands, I reached into the sink and grabbed the object. It was long and shiny and hard. Rolling it around in my hands to get rid of some of the blood, once my mind registered what I was holding my heart began to pound so hard I thought I was going to die._

_A bullet._

“ _You are fucking revolting. You can't even kid yourself out of your disgusting feelings.” That voice hummed again in my ear. I stared at the bullet in my hand for a second longer, letting my anger pool. I clenched my fist around the bullet, hands shaking. With a hard exhale – and a bit of a snort from the blood – I let out a scream. I turned my body away from the mirror, swinging my fist and ready to start punching –_

With a hard thud my fist made contact with the tiled wall. I squeaked, pain now my main focus. I rapidly blinked, trying to focus on my surroundings. I was in a different bathroom now, completely different from the one in my hallucination. It was clean and smelled like a hospital. I slowly unclenched my hand, letting it lay flat against the tile wall. With my other hand, I wiped at my nose. Not surprisingly, my nose bleed had actually happened. I couldn't hold back my wet sob.

What is going on with me?

000

“Hey, there you are! I was worried you had left without me.” Chloe joked when I entered Kate's hospital room. I tried to smugly smile at her but it felt more like a grimace.

It took me a bit to get my shit together enough to come back to Kate's room. I had to check the sink three times to be sure I hadn't actually puked blood, let alone a bullet. My hands still shaking, I chose to stand at the end of Kate's bed.

“I'm-I'm sorry, I just needed to breathe. Talking about this stuff is still kind of... hard.” I lamely said. Kate nodded, her eyebrows turned up and a tight frown decorating her face. I awkwardly cleared my throat.

“Hey, Max, it's all good. I got Kate as caught up as I could. You know, I think Kate got a little punk rock in her.” Chloe said, a hint of playfulness in her voice. Kate waved her hand at Chloe.

“No, I'm just all talk.”

“Well, um, I'm sorry to cut our visit short, but I'm not feeling so good.” I said in a rush. Kate gave her understanding nod again.

“That's ok, Max. You have some stuff to deal with and it's ok. Were you going to see Warren before you left?” Kate asked. I furrowed my eyebrows in thought.

“No, the nurse told us he can't have visitors until next week. What's his deal anyway? He's been here for almost a month.” Chloe grumbled, trying to act aloof. Kate glanced between us, some sort of worry taking over her.

“Oh, um... he just needs a lot of rehab after the storm... not everyone made it out in one piece.” She lamely replied. Chloe raised an eyebrow and moved to speak, but I cut her off before she could.

“That's ok. When we come see him next week we'll come see you, too, right Chloe?” I turned my attention to Chloe. She nodded, standing up and saying her goodbyes to Kate. I watched the two of them interact for a moment. It's so strange to see them get along so well when they're complete polar opposites. I somehow doubt that Chloe would give Kate the time of day if I wasn't friends with her.

“Please take care of yourself, Max. Chloe has my phone number.” Kate said, snapping me out of my thoughts. She pulled me into another hug before I could respond. I pulled away from her, not allowing myself to get caught up in her comfort. I patted her on the shoulder.

“Thank you, Kate. We'll see you next week, ok?” I said. Kate nodded as she sat down on her bed. I turned to walk out, giving a small wave. When I turned to Chloe, she had her hand extended for me to take. I think, at least. I stared at her, then her hand. The image of kissing her came flooding back to me, making me feel sick. I want to take her hand so bad, but I didn't. Instead, I took a step forward and patted her on the arm, signaling her that we were leaving. She faltered in her steps behind me, but quickly caught up as I pushed the hospital door open.

_You're disgusting._

 


End file.
